A Chocolate Dunford Donut and A Diet Pepsi

Yes, these are my comfort foods. I may have gotten these two things almost every single day Brooklyn was in the NICU. I had to rotate between four different gas stations so I wouldn't be a 'regular' at just one place. And to save myself the embarrassment.

Today I got these two items again. Brooklyn had an ultrasound of her kidneys. Why? To look for kidney stones. She had high levels of calcium in her urine in the NICU, so this was a follow up visit. Ultrasound looked good, FYI.

But unknown to me, she was also scheduled for a VCUG. (CSU people know what this is.) They stuck a catheter up into her bladder to test for kidney reflux. I cringed when I found out we had to do this today. It is a painful test for any girl - you can only imagine how it feels watching them do it to your 8lb. baby. She's just so little!

My heart silently broke yet again as I watched big alligator tears come out of Brooklyn's eyes. Truly, there is no greater pain than watching those you love suffer. When it was all done and over I held her in the waiting room and whimpered right along with her. She fell asleep in my arms, totally exhausted from the ordeal.

I realized today that this area of life never gets better or easier. You can never stop caring for a child. Or spouse. Or anyone important to you. I recognized that my parents have loved me this same way for 26 years, and will continue to do so for the rest of my life. I'm grateful for that kind of love, it gets you through the tough times. I'm beginning to realize that this is how my Heavenly Father feels about me as well. As he feels for each and every single one of us.

Notice the bib...Yes, "thank heaven for little girls"!

In four weeks I go back to work. I'll walk through the doors at Primary Children's Hospital to serve a dual role...nurse and parent. I hope I can care for my patients and their families as well as we were cared for during our stay in this place of miracles. A broken heart leads to service with greater compassion and understanding. I'm sure I never would have chosen this trial if I had been given the choice. But I hope Roger and I can look back on this someday and recognize the lessons learned and the (hopefully) changes for the better we see in ourselves.

Nothing big to report. just more fun at home. I have cabin fever from our 'quarantine' status, so I've made it a point to get out of the house once a day. Even if its just a trip to the gas station for a drink. But the picture below shows just what a pain it is to load this girl into the car.

Over the weekend we went up to Park City for some shopping, dinner and relaxing. Both of our families came with us. We visited Stein Erickson and wandered their beautiful grounds for fun.

Brooklyn and Grandpa Gary. Promise she had a bow, but the men in the Gardner family say babies shouldn't be wearing something that makes them look like a pineapple. Haha. Whatever, I'm the mom. She wears what I say she wears!

After our excursions we both need a nap. I set Brooklyn down after a Costco run (on a pillow - remember the reflux issue) and ran back to the car to grab the rest of our stuff. Came back in and she was sound asleep. So funny.

More sleeping.....

As you can see she is off her oxygen in most of these pics. We were told we could wean her as she tolerates it. I've hesitated for some reason. But she keeps pulling her stickers off her face, giving her some nasty skin breakdown. So that was reason enough! She mostly needs it when she sleeps - and only to help some dips in heartrate - not oxygen levels. She's not holding her breath, she just drops her heartrate in that phase of sleep between awake and deep sleep. And only when she's laying on her back. Weird.

We'd still love visitors!!

Reflections

Tonight I looked at the pictures of this journey from start to end. Its hard to believe we went from this......

to this.......

We are exhausted, more than we ever imagined possible. Our nerves are fried from listening to her heart monitor every night. Our date nights turned into feeds at 7 and 10pm, then crossing our fingers for some decent sleep. My days are deemed good if I have showered by 10am. We have mooched off our neighbors and friends for meals since she came home. Our house is a total mess - how is it that babies come with so much stuff?

Today I had had enough. We had a rough day. Throwing up her morning feed from her dumb multivitamin, plus no afternoon nap = a tired mom. I handed her over to Roger tonight to rock to sleep.

And came back to our blog for a healthy dose of reality.

I'm teary as I sit here tonight. Our sweet baby is sleeping in the room next to me. I can't help but smile as I watch her cute little face sleeping away (finally). I listen to her breathe and the silence of her heart monitor and feel ever so grateful she is alive and home with us. Was it only two weeks ago we sat in dumbfounded silence as they told us she could come home?

She is our little miracle. How humbled and grateful I feel to be blessed with her. We love our little runt, on both good days and harder days!

Seriously.

Seriously? We spend most of the day wearing only a diaper, or we change outfits at least twice. Plus blankets twice. And don't even get me started on the number of burp cloths we go through.

Why you ask?

Stupid multivitamins. And reflux.

She hates her vitamins. So do I!!

She smells like them, I smell like them, our house smells like them. She doesn't tolerate them very well - aka...she throws up. Always!! I've tried every trick in the book.

And the reflux? Always. Always. Always a problem. She fusses and fidgets until she's refluxed at least twice after each feed. Bother. We don't lose much of her feed, just enough to make a mess of both of us. Bibs you say? Oh that's right - we manage to miss at least once a day.

Cannot wait until we're off that yucky medicine!

But her eyes are a fun, huge blue!! Where in the world did she get blue eyes?!

Aaaaaw.

Everybody say 'aaaaaw' with me. Can't help but grin on this one can ya? :)

Seriously mom, you're really making me wear this bow? It's as big as my head!

She forgave me as soon as she got a good nap in.

Some tummy time.......love a naked baby! You want to kiss their cute little chubby belly!

Watching a movie with dad. Or just doing what she does best (sleeping during the day instead of at night).

Brooklyn woke up at 5:30 this morning. After a bottle I tucked her in with Roger and made a run to Walmart. I came home to find this........ again, say "aaaaaaw" with me.

Having kids makes you do things you said you'd never do....

• Like put your baby in your bed with you. Yes we do this. Only after 6:00am, but whatever. I'm desperate for the sleep.
• Or go to Walmart at 6:00am because you don't have to load up your entire house just to buy some potatoes. Might have walked in there with no make up on and bed head. Hadn't even touched it. Really. I used to never leave my house without some form of make-up on, even if it was lipstick. I feel more confident if I feel somewhat decent looking. Haha, so much for that.
• Don't visit me before noon. Or else you might find me a scary sight. TodayI walked around until noon with half of my hair ratted (yes all of you girls know what I'm talking about), half of my mascara done, and dressed halfway. That's what happens when your morning routine gets interrupted by a newborn.

Who wants to come visit us??!!! :)

Who Me?

Yes sweetheart, you.

You gave us absolutely no sleep from 3:30-7:00 this morning. Why is it that you think this is the ideal time to play? Could ya switch it to daytime hours? Pretty please?

Last night's lack of sleep resulted in this picture....

And the previous night resulted in these.....

Our first outing? A trip to the pediatrician for follow up...this piglet is 7lbs 90z.!

'Dr. Duffy says we don't have to be hermits mom, can we go shop? Or to lunch?'

(Ha we wish! We're not confined to the house, but we have to "go slow". Any and all visitors are welcome, but Dr. Duffy says no kids for awhile.)

And some classics for ya.......

(still sleeps with both hands by her face)

You Know You're A Mom When...

You put your baby in her swing, in your bathroom while you shower....just so you can wipe away the steam off the door and make sure she's still sleeping. And breathing. (I have the added benefit of her heart monitor on the counter in full view.)

You spend all day trying to get her to smile. And cry the day she smiles for real instead of it being a gas bubble.

You're catch yourself with your mouth open and head leaned back on the couch because you fell asleep while waiting for the baby's feed to settle - all so she won't throw up everything you just fed her. You also spend multiple nights on the couch sleeping with her so your exhausted husband can get some much needed sleep. (He gets the 5am shift because its your deep sleep time.)

You're giddy to put bows on your daughter! :)

You eat whatever is on the counter for breakfast because you are too distracted to make something. For me that would be a cupcake, a cookie, or some chocolate (yes people have brought us treats). Or you pull a stunt like I did this morning...eating a bowl of cereal, while pumping, and on hold with social security people - while the baby sleeps in her swing directly in front of you. Call me paranoid.

Brooklyn is acting more and more like a real newborn. She hardly has days where she has the preemie look anymore. But you could probably shine her bald head and see yourself in it if you wanted to! :)

Happy Days

We love our smiley girl! :)

Yes I put this humongous bow on her. Couldn't resist.

She's sleeping on her side and on an angle to avoid throwing up and choking on it. Brooklyn still has some awesome reflux issues. She refluxed out her nose today - and went a pretty shade of blue. In the hospital they would wait and see if she recovered on her own (part of the criteria to come home). Today..no way. I pounded her on the back and blew in her face. It worked. :)

Meg getting in one last visit yesterday before flying home.

Brooklyn has her oxygen out of her nose more often than in it. Haha. :)

Aunt Michelle, notice the outfit? Love it. The swing, too. It allowed me to take a shower today.

Some more eye rolling before she falls asleep - also when she's the most smiley.

How'd night 2 go?

Awful. She was up every hour from midnight until five.

I ended up on the couch with her so Roger could get some decent sleep. She has her days and nights mixed up for sure. Ya, that would be your fault all 5 of our primary nurses! I'm calling you tonight at 3:00 when she wakes up again! J/K. :)

Have I said how much fun it is having her home? Might not have brushed my teeth until noon. Or showered until one. I still get nothing done - still completely fascinated!! :)

89 Days Later...

She's home!!

Leaving our home away from home.....

We will forever be in their debt, they saved her life.

In the carseat, on the way home. Probably the MOST SILENT drive we've ever taken together. We were scared speechless.

Taking in her new surroundings...

Some visitors......

The "O" shape of her mouth means she's happy/content the therapist tell us. This does our hearts good.

Sorry I kept you up last night mom and dad. :)

Our first night???


Not so bad. Could have been worse. What was sleep again?


Brooklyn got up at 2:00am and 5:00 am. We were up until 2:00 anyway listening to her breathe and listening for her monitor to go off. I think we both flew out of bed about 8 times, just to have the monitor stop beeping as we were standing up to run into her room. Lovely.


Overall? We. Are. Thrilled. (And a little sleepy today.....)