Thank You

Today I stand corrected. And a little humbled, as much as my pride hates to admit that.

This cutie pie doesn't qualify for Early Intervention...because she's not behind!!

Brooklyn is definitely not 'jumping ahead' when it comes to gross motor skills (rolling over, sitting up) but is in no way delayed. In fact, our awesome therapist called her 'social'...we've heard that before!

I also LOVED the therapist! Ali, you were right. Brooklyn loved a new playmate - she performed quite well for him. She may be a little afraid of strangers (she's afraid you're going to poke her) and gives out smiles only after you've worked hard for them, but she is still a very social and curious baby.

I'm so glad. And relieved. I thought I had failed as a mom because she can't do certain things yet. I'm the one home with her most during the day, so I thought her 'delays' were my fault. I'm glad to hear she's on track. It saved me a little bit of heartache today.

We were taught some great tricks today. And why is it these kids always perform for these guys and not for mom and dad? Brooklyn sat up today - on her own - for two minutes - without any help whatsoever. What?!

I'm excited to practice our new tricks in the coming weeks. He said she should be sitting up within two weeks! Here's crossing our fingers!

I also need to reevaluate the words in the title of this post.

THANK YOU.

Thank you to the people that follow our blog...no matter if we know you or not. Do you have any idea how much it means to us? This is our journal, but also my place to find support. So thank you for being there.

And I read each of your blogs faithfully. In fact I check my bloglist everyday. I even check your blog lists for the people I know/want to know that I'm too afraid to leave a comment with. Please know I love your updates, despite my lack of comments. I'm a follower, please continue to update! And leave me a comment so I can feel okay about adding you to our bloglist.

Thank you to programs like Early Intevention. Thank you to the people that work so hard for others. Thank you....such simple words. But we sure mean it!

A Better Me

I'm a part-time employee as of this week - total bliss. I love my job, don't get me wrong. But the sacrifices we were making to keep full time benefits (more PTO accrual, cheaper insurance premiums) were too much. I have been a crappy mom and an even crappier wife. Seriously. Pathetic even.

The dream to be a mom and a wife are literally in my hands, and I was doing a poor job of both titles from lack of sleep. So my first week of working two shifts dealt me a. being put on call for my first shift of the week, b. snow. Awesome.

It has been heavenly staying home. I'll get stir crazy if we don't get a break from the snow so we can go outside, but I already feel better about myself.

There is something to be said for your self worth and how you view yourself. I'm a 'list maker' and my biggest critic, probably a bit of a perfectionist even. I was falling short in every area I could think of -- with my improved schedule life can only get better from my perspective. More expensive yes (wish the world wasn't controlled by money), but hopefully Roger and Brooklyn will actually start to like me again. Right Rog? :)

Brooklyn likes having me 'awake' during the day too. Chewing and throwing toys has become a new favorite. I'm totally entertained. Who wants to come visit?!

Irony

Disclaimer: For the parents out there that read our blog that have children that get to visit the doctor a lot for whatever reason....this post is going to be an honest one. Please don't be offended by my honesty. I know tomorrow when I reread what I've written I'll be feeling the need to personally find each and every one of you and apologize for my 'woe is me' moment. I know our situation could be SO MUCH WORSE than what it actually is. But you know me, I do posts like this when I'm upset. So here goes...

Doctors and I have a love-hate relationship. Can't live without them, but wish I could. Yep, today was another doctor visit. You know you've done too many of them when your nine month old (today!) starts to scream as soon as they weigh her. I hate shots. I hate that they make her cry. I hate that she looks at me when they do it...and I'm unable to take the hurt away. Blasted shots.

Brooklyn has had lots of them lately. Due to her 'unique birth', she qualifies for RSV shots once a month until April. I preach this stuff and recognize its importance. But I still hate the irony of our situation. I have worked as a pediatric nurse for 5 years and always thought "no big deal". It's just 'this' or 'that'....they're lucky they are able to receive such great medical care.

I totally agree.

But does anyone ever tell you the heartache that medical care will cost you? Do they count each and every tear you child has cried? Or your tears for that matter? I never knew what it would be like to be on the other end. And it's awful. And to make me feel even worse?....

IT'S ALL MY FAULT.

Now to all the kind souls that will try to talk me out of this belief. Thank you. And I know to some degree you're probably right. But this 'unique' situation is my fault by default. Her pain and suffering from the start was my fault. I brought her into this world too early. No idea why, but still my fault because I'm the woman. I carry the babies. And I deliver them.

I detest that we aren't 'normal'. Today Dr. Duffy signed us up for Early Intervention to help Brooklyn bridge the developmental gap between her 'due date' and her 'actual birthdate'. I left sad and upset. Does this mean my child isn't normal or won't be normal? Not one bit. And I know that. But I don't want to be 'one of those families' that gets to visit the Dr a lot. I just don't. It makes me sad and angry. But still grateful - always grateful we have access to this kind of care.

Our baby is a sweet, smiley, happy little girl. I don't want to take this away from her. I don't want her to be afraid of strangers because of what they might do to her. And I hate hate hate to see her cry. Gosh I hate it, so much. Really, you don't even know. Maybe that day in the NICU when she silently cried (on the vent remember?) traumatized me. Probably so. And I need to get over my issues with that stuff. But I'm having a hard time people. And our stay was relatively smooth! What am I going to do if we have to do this again?! What if its worse?! And what if its my fault...again?

I think I'll get another donut and diet pepsi today.

CHANGE

(Park City - 2008)

I came across this picture tonight as I was cleaning out my emails. This was one year of marriage behind us, still living up the apartment life, no thoughts of Brooklyn yet (soon after though!)....clueless to what changes life would bring us.

The picture below is December 2010.

What fun 'change' has been for us!

Change can be scary. Change can be fun. Change can be stressful, emotional, good, bad, etc.

But above all change is an adjustment. No good or bad attached, just an adjustment.

Tonight I found myself home with nothing to do. Work cancelled my shift, dishes were done, baby in bed an hour early, Roger playing basketball with guys in the ward.

Perfect.

I started a scalding hot bubblebath with my new soap from Christmas, poured myself a diet wild cherry pepsi with ice and opened a sappy romantic book.

Literally two minutes into this lovely relaxing hour to myself the baby monitor registered the first grunt. Followed by some squeeking that is a result of any movement in her crib. Then came the cries to get her out of bed.

Seriously?!!

I giggled as I ran to her room with bubbles covering my legs and thought to myself...good thing "change" comes with such a cute face!! :)

This is totally blackmail, but this is for Aunt Jodie and Aunt Michelle. You two remember the picture on my mom's fridge of the three of you? I think Brooklyn just topped you in laughs earned in this picture!!

Brooklyn will be nine months on Friday. What?!!! Would time just slow down for a minute please?

Nine months has brought on the joys of rice cereal, tummy time, trying so hard to get her to learn to roll over (no luck with this one, as much as this frustrates me to see her not performing this skill yet)

Brooklyn has also decided sleeping through the night isn't for her anymore. She gets up at least once if not twice. Uugh. We've resorted to letting her sleep in our bed from 6:00am on from sheer desperation for sleep.

Change...gotta love it!! :)

For Meg cause she doesn't get to see the daily entertainment. And no, we didn't teach her this one.

A New Year

I look back on 2010 and am amazed yet again how fast time goes. I remember when Christmas would take forever to finally get here, I'd be counting down the days. Now we just finished another Christmas, another New Year celebration....and I wasn't done with my last year's goals!

I was chatting with Rog this week about this past year. He said it was his worst year. Paused for a moment...then said it was his best year as well.

I think I'll second that.

What a roller coaster of a year for the Gardner household. Complete honestly makes me admit that it had to one of the most physically, emotionally, spiritually and financially draining years of our married life. It brought the highest high for us with the birth of Brooklyn, but took us to rock bottom in the same second. We adjusted to life as homeowners, getting comfortable in a new ward and a new neighborhood. We've made the best of friends here, how lucky we are! Our marriage was tested during the long road in the hospital...I am so eternally grateful I married the man I did. He will never know just how much he means to me. Women's minds are a mystery to men, but I hope Roger knows that he is the person that makes me, me.

So as we look to 2011, I am excited. And hoping for a smooth year. Of course life doesn't go as we plan it, so I'm sure next years post at this time will be interesting. We are ready for progress and new goals (and finishing last year's!).

To 2010: Thank you for the lessons and fun. But let's not do it again.

To 2011: Can't wait to see what you bring us!

Happy New Year to all!!