The Gardners

Recent Happenings

2012-01-24T18:30:00.000-08:00

I really need to post. But there isn't much going on at our house. Plus your blogs are so fun to read. And lets be honest, I'm checking up on that nephew of mine over at Meg's blog everyday (keep up the frequent posting Meg - I'm impatiently waiting for every picture!).

That little dude is giving me anxiety. It's a love hate relationship having another preemie to worry about, another NICU to adjust to, another stressed out time for my sister and her husband. Not to mention the rest of the family enjoying the roller coaster with them. Blah...NICU days seem to really draaaaaaaaaaaaaag. We really could do without seeing a NICU ever again I think.

But Beau is a total stud. Is there any question that he is all boy? He has us wrapped around his finger. Brooklyn is itching to meet him - she isn't allowed in the NICU. We quickly taught her to say "Beau"....hilarious to hear her say his name!

On other updates, we did actually have a fantastic Christmas until Meg decided to go into labor that night. Both families were so generous it makes me feel guilty. Brooklyn enjoyed opening all one gift, then left the rest up to mom and dad to open for her. She was busy being entertained by anyone who would talk to her all day.

(Her hair.... what am I going to do with it?!)

Speaking of this daughter of ours, when did she decide to get all grown up? All of the sudden she's big. And sassy. And finally growing some hair. And definitely figured out the word no. I love her! She's so tall, its funny to watch her next to kids her age. She sorta dwarfs them. Hope she'll appreciate her long genes someday!

(Love those big blues of hers!)

As for Roger and I, not much is new. Roger is working his tail off. I'm feeling lazy and guilty watching him day in and day out. He's so busy that I'm tired just watching him! But he still makes my heart go faster when I see him dressed up everyday. Love him.

Well, that's about it. Now I will happily read all of your blogs and let ours be for another few weeks I'm sure. I'm such a slug. So go do a new post so I have some more reading material!

Beau Scott Bland

2012-01-02T20:35:00.000-08:00

This adorable baby has stolen our hearts. I find myself constantly thinking about him. I call Meg everyday, multiple times, to check in on him. I can't get enough of just looking at him. What a miracle.

Roger and I met this angel the day after his birth. I thought I was prepared to hold it together. After all, he came out huge compared to Brooklyn. And was doing so so so well! I walked into his little corner room, barely even registering anything else around me. Meg's first words to me in that moment were "he's big huh?". I instantly started to cry. Because, NO, HE'S NOT BIG. He's just tiny. I have no clue where he's hiding that extra poundage, but he is just so little.

I was stunned at how strongly my emotions took over that day. I worry, constantly. I love this little man. Because he's my twin sister's baby! And my nephew.

I am as protective of him as I was of Brooklyn. I watch his NICU nurses and pray they are as kind, gentle and sweet with him as our NICU nurses were. Truly, they will make or break this experience for Meg and Dev. Trust is so incredibly hard to give to someone when they are watching over someone so special to you!

So many people have asked Roger and I if this has been difficult to watch. If it reminds us of our experience last year. I have to answer that with both a yes and a no. Beau is progressing so fast! It's a relief to watch him breathe on his own. No gray spells, no ventilator, no translucent skin. But the stress we felt with our baby rivals the stress I feel for their baby. He may have three weeks on Brooklyn, but he's still 9 weeks early people! Plus, Meg and Dev are in a unique situation....they're not in their own home.

Megan and Devin are rock stars. They have been so strong. But they are dealing with unimagineable stress right now. My chest feels heavy when I think about everything they are trying to handle in their lives. Devin is in medical school, in a different state! They are having to pay two out of network yearly maximums! They're living out of suitcases right now! And most importantly their son is in an ICU. Yes our family has done this exact scenario a lot...but it doesn't get easier each time it happens. The burden just gets passed around.

But at the end of the day we can say with absolute certainty that this little boy is one loved baby! We cheer him on, celebrate each day that passes with no setbacks, and look forward to the day he can go home with his proud mom and dad.

To Beau - we sure do love you little man. Brooklyn is thrilled to have another cousin. We feel lucky to be able to watch your story happen. To watch how much your parents love you. There are angels watching over you...providing the world with another Christmas miracle this year. Counting down the days until you can come home!!

Update on Meg and Baby

2011-12-29T18:54:00.000-08:00

Hello friends and family. Meg asked me to do a quick post to update everyone on the baby and her. I should probably be doing this on her blog, but don't have her access info yet. So it will be on ours for now...

Baby Boy is doing well. He is named now, but I'll leave that up to Meg and Dev to do the fun reveal on that one. He spent a few days on Cpap and is now on a Nasal Canula to help him breathe. All other systems are a go for now! Yay Baby Bland! I'll let Meg give more details when she finally has time to sit down and do a blog post about their little guy.

Meg, herself is doing okay. She's having some complications from delivery (We think. We hope!), and is on her way back into the ER as we speak. So for now please continue to pray for this family, they've had a roller coaster of a 'vacation'.

Meet Our Nephew....

2011-12-27T14:48:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the world Baby Bland! We love you and are praying for you!

To the NICU staff at IMC - take good care of this little stud, he is so loved by his family.

To Megan and Devin - congrats! He's tiny, perfect and adorable! We loved him instantly! We love you guys and are praying so incredibly hard for you three!

Happy Holidays

2011-12-21T14:18:00.000-08:00

This was our christmas card this year.

After sending it to our families we realized we had hardly any left. We have a lot of family.

So I'm posting it. Sorry if we didn't send you one. I'm too lazy to make a trip back to Costco.

Merry Christmas from our family to yours!!

This Face...

2011-12-03T12:19:00.001-08:00

Totally innocent right??

What this face is hiding is the tornado this child is! She is into everything!! If we come over to your house please close your toilet lid. Brooklyn will unroll your entire roll of toilet paper into the water and then eat it. I about died the first time I caught her doing this. And gagged when she did it a second and third! Gross, gross, gross.

Brooklyn leaves a disaster behind her these days, I've resorted to cleaning up only twice a day (during her nap and bedtime). This week she's decided pulling my clothes off the hangers is fun. And emptying the drawers in the kitchen, her bedroom and the bathroom. All stuff she shouldn't be touching. Forget her toys, taboo stuff is way funner!

Cannot believe its Christmas already! I'm feeling the itch to do all of the fun Christmas activites sooner than later, because Christmas day will be here before we know it!

It's been a fun filled weekend of tree decorating, christmas lights and family parties. Pictures to come next time Brooklyn gives me a few minutes to myself. Love that girl! :)

Utes, Sun and The Blands!

2011-11-17T20:34:00.000-08:00

So excited........

To finally get to see these two again!!

My eyes about popped out of my head when I saw Meg. Is she seriously THAT pregnant? When did that happen? Baby Bland decided to grow - a lot! Cook away baby, you still have a few months to go okay?

Phoenix is such a blast. Despite the cold front they had the week we visited, the stubborn side of us still wore short sleeves and capris. But don't worry, I was a good mom and dressed Brooklyn warm. Did I mention she slept through the night every single night we were there?!!! Ummm, love her. We cuddled on the air mattress. We missed Rog. He was kinda upset to hear she slept so well. Don't worry, it was just a phase, she's back to getting up 2-3 times a night.

We left Roger and Davis home, they had work and school. Gotta be able to pay for their wives fun! But Roger was probably okay with that - we literally shopped every. single. day. Really. And we squeezed in a Utah game too! We won, go Utes! Brooklyn is a fan - I'm determined to win that battle in our house. :)

We were all tired after the game, it was cold and we cheered lots. Brooklyn kinda sums it up for us.......

Don't mind her huge sweatshirt. It's Meg's. I lost her warm clothes somewhere on our walk into the stadium. Had to get creative, we were two hours from Glendale.

The rest of the trip consisted of shopping (already mentioned that one), eating, swimming, attempting nursery in Meg's ward (and having lots of people think Iwas her and wonder why I wasn't looking very pregnant - better suck in my gut!) and feeling Baby Bland kick.

Thanks for hosting Blands! Now we'll see you this week. As in tomorrow. It's taken me this long to get to this post, oops.

(I've also decided I REALLY need that baby to get here. Everytime I go shopping for Brooklyn, I find something for Meg's baby too! Roger might not let me leave the house anymore!)

2011-11-02T14:04:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween! Obviously Brooklyn was the cutesy kitty ever. I was just trying to keep my eyes open after a long night shift. And Roger was enjoying his girls being our typical selves. Haha. We also spent the weekend in St George the week before the holiday. We stayed with some of Roger's brothers and their families. Can I just say how lucky I am to get these ladies for my sisters in law? Their husbands are awesome too. We are all very close...lucky for Roger and I.

I'd try to post more, but I can't figure out this iPad...technology is NOT my thing. I didn't want the pictures posted before the explanations, but this all I can get done for now. More to come next time Roger is home early enough to let me use the laptop! :)

And so it begins....

2011-10-18T10:36:00.000-07:00

First two weeks of nursery??? A success!!! Please tell me my baby will stay a baby forever...I cannot believe she's big enough for that already.

But nursery also means exposure to germs. And boy do we have one sick baby girl today. And so sleep deprived parents. We're just getting home from the doctor. It's amazing what a simple ear infection will do to a toddler's world.

I was supposed to work at 1:00am last night. I called Meg and told her to write a blog post so I'd have reading material at work, hopped into bed at eight, and planned to sleep until midnight. Roger woke me up at eleven with a miserable baby. The next few hours included us taking turns holding her, a sick call into work (I'm so sorry to my coworkers, you know who you are. Thank you for picking up my slack.), a midnight run to walmart for medicine, and spending a solid hour in the rocking chair with Brooklyn asleep on my chest. Her cough was so bad, she'd hack up a lung when lying down.

We're a bit tired today. But feeling better that we have antibiotics in her. She had to get her eighteen month shots today, too. Poor girl, she's gonna be miserable today. We worked her over.

Brooklyn is a gem. She's still smiling at me today despite her sore legs and ear. Doesn't it make you wish you had their resiliency? Kids are tough. And they make us adults look like wimps.

Looking forward to nursery in two weeks!

Children....And Their Parents.

2011-10-05T19:48:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here tonight in my comfies, feeling the need to sort of vent. I'm just getting home from an awesome relief society activity and am home alone for a couple of hours. Might as well blog right?

Our activity tonight focused on kids - how to discipline them, what sort of activities to do with them, how to teach them, and how to stay organized on top of it all. I kinda felt like a bad mom at the end of the night. It's safe to say I have some pretty awesome ladies in my ward. I could learn a few things from them.

It's overwhelming to stand by Brooklyn's crib tonight, tucking her blanket a little tighter (my house is cold tonight), and think of all Roger and I are responsible to teach her. Especially in the next five years. Such crucial years for little ones. I get anxious thinking of how many ways I could fail her as her mom. I left this activity tonight with lists and lists of things I need to do better now and in the future - even five years from now. But looking at it I realize I'll fail miserably if I try to tackle it all at once.

I'm seeing quite clearly that I am a selfish person. I focus my days around me, not my family.

I think I've needed a refresher on what it really means to be a family. A wife. A mom. A daughter and friend, too. Tonight was a good self evaluation for me. There is SO MUCH I need to do better. I stress just thinking about it. Does anyone else ever feel that way?

Good thing tomorrow is a new day. I need a clean slate. I need to decide what is on my "Essential" list, what is on my "Need to Do" list and what is on my "Want to Do" list. I need to make these two people a better priority and stop being so selfish all the time....

Good thing there is only 24 hours in a day.....because that means the day ends at midnight and you get to start over. :)

I love my life, I am a very lucky girl. I'm married to the BEST man on earth, I have the most perfect daughter (yep, call me biased), I'm employed, and have so many good things in my life - the list could go on and on. I think its time I do a better job with the 'blessings' in my life.

Four Years Ago......

2011-10-03T19:29:00.000-07:00

This picture was sent out as our engagement picture. Crazy how much fun we've had in the four years we've been married.

I love this guy so much. He is so good to me. I feel so special and loved by him. He treats me like gold every single day.

Happy Anniversary Roger, I love you!!

Getting So Big

2011-09-22T19:18:00.001-07:00

Where to even start? I hate catch up. I really need the internet during the day. But that's not an option right now....so here is my month of updates. Get a drink and treat - its a long one.

And of course most of the the post is about the baby, need I say more?

Only in Utah weather do you play in the garden hose during the day and wear a hat and coat at night. Brooklyn will actually wear this thing (now if only I could get her to wear bows again).

In other 'big girl' milestones, we finally made the switch to a front facing carseat. Our super tall girl was kicking the seat like crazy and was just too darn big for her infant carseat anymore. As you can tell, the car is still a sleeping pill for her (like mother like daughter!).

Roger. Oh my sweet husband. He's so incredibly busy. And works so hard. We miss him during the day and evenings. It has been an interesting few weeks adjusting to the new schedule. Brooklyn and I are buddies, but we sure look forward to the couple of hours we get to see him each day.

Roger turned 30 the end of August. Here are the only two pictures I got of that day. Super wife award coming right up.

The day after his birthday Roger ran the Rivalry Relay. His brother was the mastermind behind this race and it was such a success! Congrats to those that ran in the intense sun and up those rough hills, you're all amazing.

Our latest fun includes watching some high school football and soccer games, cheering on the youngest Firth Hillcrest Husky, watching my beautiful sister Callie go to Homecoming, cheering on the Utes and enjoying the cooler weather....

And of course I had to post videos of Brooklyn walking. And her version of crawling (no she doesn't actually crawl, she scoots). Watching these I'm reminded yet again how blessed we are that our miracle baby is able to achieve these milestones!

Blogging

2011-09-12T22:11:00.000-07:00

I need to blog. I have plenty to post about....

But Rog has the laptop all day (and some later evenings) at work = no internet access for me....

The new job is awesome. Time consumming and stressful, but he comes home smiling every night....

The new calling is fairly busy as well, but he loves it....

Have I mentioned how much I LOVE to see Roger in a suit and tie? Oh my drop dead sexy husband. 6 days a week people!! (He loves Saturdays for the fact that he can wear normal clothes)....

I love our baby. She's so sticking fun right now. A total ham that girl is.

And!!!!.............She's walking!! (Still can't just 'let her go', but she has definitely figured it out.) Just shy of 17 months and she finally figured out her balance. (It's still so hard for me to tell if she's 'all caught up' - do I say she walked at 16 months or 13 months or somewhere in between? Ah, the developmental life of a preemie.)

Maybe this week I'll do a real post with pictures....

Sharon Perry Rasmussen

2011-08-29T13:14:00.000-07:00

My sweet Grandma passed away last night. I had the honor of being there to watch her pass through the veil into heaven.

My beautiful aunts, her daughters, surrounded her bed - encouraging her to go. To end her suffering and join Grandpa again after all these years.

My sweet cousin, Tyler and brother in law, Davis gave her a blessing. They told her she was loved, but it was time to give up her mortal journey. That she should no longer hesitate in staying on Earth. Three minutes later she passed on peacefully.

(Four generations....Sharon, Lisa, Ashlee, Brooklyn)

I sobbed in the corner as I watched my mom and her sisters cry over her. What a sacred experience, being in that room where the veil was so thin. I'm sure there were angels surrounding her bed last night. How heartbreaking to watch their grief. I wanted to hug them and make their hurt go away.

Grandma was spunky, the ringleader of this family. She was a constant party. And beautiful. She was loved so very much. And will be missed more than I think words can express.

Grandma you left quite the legacy. We love you and will miss you.

Proud

2011-08-21T15:39:00.000-07:00

I'm proud of my husband this week. I don't get him on the blog nearly enough (can't help it when our baby is so darn easy to talk about), but I want him to know how much I LOVE and appreciate him. I don't tell him either of those things as often as I should. So here you go Rog, for all the world to see. Brooklyn and I are grateful to belong to you.

The changes in our family this week have caused us to feel like we're on a roller coaster ride. We feel like we have that 'stunned' look...

Followed by some deep thinking....

Then a smile....maybe this will be doable after all!

Yep, definitely good changes!

Yes, definitely good changes in our family! Took a couple of days to swallow the overwhelming time committments Roger will have starting these next few weeks, but how proud I am of his hard work and dedication.

P.S. I think I just became a widow and single mom between his new calling and job. If you find Brooklyn and I fighting with each other, its because I think we're gonna have waaaay to much time with each other in the coming months. Love these two! :)

Laughs

2011-08-04T10:49:00.001-07:00

Nice to meet you.....

Some girls in our neighborhood met up for a playdate with our kids at the Petting Zoo at Thanksgiving Point. Love these ladies, and their kids. Brooklyn wasn't so sure about the animals that close up, but she loves other kids.

Brooklyn has given us some great laughs lately. Like this one...

That would be her "what's up" face. No clue where she learned that one. But we wake up to this face every morning. She also does this to everyone that looks at her lately - the cashier at Walmart, the neighbors, during ALL of sacrament meeting (yah, we got some good giggles from people behind us this last week). Hilarious. Most of the time.

Then she does faces like this one - I call this her 'evil' smile. Doesn't she look naughty?

Or try this one ... she has latched on to this blanket. Of all the blankets she has, she chose to love the one that someone made for her. It's tiny, but she loves it. That led me to Joanne's Fabric store for extra material of this exact blanket. Now can someone sew it for me please? I don't sew - Call me the opposite of Martha Stewart.

She sure is funny right now. And curious! And a busybody! She is always moving, seriously. She won't crawl or walk, but she scoots like its nobody's business. So dang funny. She's into everything.

This morning while I was showering, I left her on the floor with some toys (which never seems to work, she still whines at me the whole time I'm in the shower), and proceeded to scoot herself over to the door and scraped some of the hard water residue off the shower - and ate it! Ugh, gross. Better clean the shower.

And last week, she opened a tube of Criticaid diaper cream and ate it. Obviously I need to feed her more.

She's fascinated with her nose. She'll point to it if you ask her. She also points to her belly button, but seems to have missed our lesson in Anatomy....she ends pointing to her boobs instead. Haha.

Another winner? Last week I handed her my phone on one of the 'coma' morning after I had worked and she proceeded to 1. call my dad 2. sign onto the internet and sign me up for Nascar monthly updates. I laughed on that one right after I tried to calculate how much that bill was going to cost me from Verizon. Awesome.

Oh we are so entertained by this girl. Exhausted. Amazed. Did I mention tired? Love her!

Posting Just Because

2011-07-18T10:37:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life is simple enough that there isn't much to post about. But I've been sick of seeing the last depressing post, so thought I'd just post some random stuff.

Summmer is lazy and wonderful, sometimes you don't have much to blog about.

Thank you for the kind comments about Rog. We're still doing some follow up stuff with his thyroid issues - waiting for a biopsy result that they decided to do last week - but feeling good about the situation.

Besides that we're just doing the usual stuff....work, play, sleep.

Those that know me know how much I value my sleep. Like I'm a 10-10 kind of girl. Really. Well with a huge smile of accomplishment on our faces we can say that Brooklyn now sleeps in her crib always! Six months of sleeping in our bed and she actually can't fall asleep in our bed anymore. Yes!!! (Pathetic that our 15 month old is just now sleeping by herself) And her naps magically became longer once she was in her crib. :) :) :)

Isn't her hair hilarious? She has a tuft of hair on the very top and that's about it.

Growing Pains

2011-07-09T21:40:00.000-07:00

Life seems to creep up on you when you aren't quite prepared for it.

It seems to fly by as we get older, the time when we want it to slow down.

Time brings with it adventures, excitement, growth, learning.

It also brings with it stress, some failures, some pitfalls, and yes some fear.

The past six weeks for us have been a little stressful. We've been waiting to hear if Roger had cancer.

Yes, that's right. CANCER.

To our immense relief, no he does not. A physical found a lump on his neck. Following two ultrasounds, we were told he has a whole bunch of thyroid lumps. But they aren't cancer.

Holy cow, are we old enough to have to discuss such an awful word? When did we all of a sudden grow up and have to deal with 'growing pains'?

So to all of you who haven't had a physical lately, GO GET ONE. Right now, go schedule it.

On another good note, Brooklyn has officially outgrown her kidney reflux. Yet another miracle for us. Modern medicine...love it, but I'm gonna die young from the stress of it.

One Year Older....

2011-07-01T08:58:00.000-07:00

....And wiser too?

Not sure about that, but the message Whitney left me this morning included her singing happy birthday and letting me know I'm getting old.

27!!!!!!!

What?! I feel 20, not three years away from 30! Birthdays are a great excuse to feel special, though. Tonight we're leaving Brooklyn with a babysitter and going to dinner and a movie. Lame? Probably, but the activities were my choice. WE, meaning Rog and I, haven't been to dinner and a movie together since we bought our house....almost two years ago!

Birthdays allow you to reflect a bit on your life and where you thought you'd be. Roger asked me this week if I'm where I thought I'd be at this point in my life. I can honestly answer yes. The road getting to this point wasn't exactly what I pictured back when I was in high school - but I have everything I ever wanted....my own little family. I sure do love them.

Happy Birthday to Megan today, too!

And all of the other Rasmussen birthdays this week.

And if you haven't read Meg's blog - head on over there! I earned a new title - I'm gonna be an aunt!!!

Park City - Gardner style

2011-06-27T14:10:00.000-07:00

There is a family picture that looks almost identical to this one hanging above Roger's parents fireplace. Problem is, the Gardner family has exploded since that picture was taken almost 10 years ago. So over Fathers Day weekend we headed up to Park City for a big family reunion and took this same picture again with every single one of the 39 Gardners. We owe the photographer big time.

Many thanks to Gary and Susan for paying for this fun filled weekend!

We played hard. And ate lots of good food. Sleep was an afterthought for sure.

Our activities included touring the Olympic Park, swimming, playing softball, riding the alpine slide and the coaster, and shopping the outlets. Did I mention eating?

Trips are just funner with family around. And the Gardner family sure knows how to have a good time!

The rest is pictures of our fun...another long post. :)

Meet some of the cousins. The smiley baby is Abby. I could eat her she's so cute. I almost had Rachel and Rod convinced to let me take her home with us. Baby hunger here we come!

I don't have a copy of the whole family picture yet, but that will hopefully happen this week. I'll post it and let you see what an incredible family I married into. And how big we are!

Brooklyn loves her cousins. She was happiest with them around. I don't have a picture of the newest Gardner baby, Benson, but he sure is a cute little peanut! He was too busy being passed around the family to take time for a picture. But this trip was to celebrate his birth as well - Adam blessed him on Fathers Day. Congrats Liz and Adam, he's perfect.

Thanks again to my in laws for a perfect vacation!

Happy Fathers Day

2011-06-22T16:20:00.000-07:00

We're a few days late, but I can't let this monumental day pass without wishing the men in our lives a very happy Fathers Day.

To Roger:
How our little Rogerette loves you. So does her mom. We love you more than words can express. You fulfill the title of 'dad' with so much goodness and patience. Thank you for all you do.

To our own Dad's:

Thank you for just being you - we wouldn't have either of you any other way! You two are the greatest examples we could follow, and your granddaughter loves her grandpas!

(Whitney and Davis wedding dinner - missing Devin. Sorry.)

From our family to yours, Happy Fathers Day!

Sleepin', Playin', Growin'

2011-06-14T19:25:00.000-07:00

Aaah, sweet sleep.

Can I say that the picture below NEVER happens.

Brooklyn hasn't let me hold her while she sleeps for months and months and months...probably last summer. Wow she's a lot bigger than she was back then. The little miss is a long child, she doesn't quite fit on my lap anymore.

Summer days and nights are just the best. We hang out, that sweet baby and me. But boy is she a daddy's girl, she luffs him lots...

Ummm, can we say 'Rogerette'?

Despite her lack of hair and her round little head and cheeks, yes she is a female. Why can't people get that?! Despite my constant efforts to dress her in pink, she still gets called a boy. Lame people.

We've had some quiet nights at home this week, trying to get this sweet girl to sleep in her crib again. It's time for us to get her out of our bed. She's just too big.

But she's still my little buddy.

Don't mind our pale faces and sweaty hair. Brooklyn was minutes awake from her latest nap and I'm sweating to death in our hot house (nope, the air conditioner isn't on yet).

Happy Summer Days!

Eastern Caribbean

2011-06-07T20:56:00.000-07:00

Holy cow, where to start? Thank you to my mom and dad for paying our way to a week of total fun!! Same with the aunts and uncles...the majority of my cousins came as well. Rasmussen clan, you were missed! Next time!

My awesome, generous parents - thanks mom and dad!

It's overwhelming to look at the pictures and pick which ones you want to post. Good luck being able to reach the bottom of this post, I'm surprised blogger didn't cap it.

I arranged the pictures to represent days...5 of them in fact...

1. CocoCay - the private island

2. St. Thomas

3. St. Maarten

4. Eating - because it deserves its own post!

5. Playing - a 24/7 activity (minus when we crashed every night from the kind of tiredness that only the sun can give you)

...because that about sums up our week!

Day 1: CocoCay

Day 2: St. Thomas

Day 3: St. Maarten

Day 4: Eating

Day 5: Playing

John rounded out the trip with a proposal to Abbi - congrats to you both!

Anyone else exhausted from reading all of that?! I've been working on getting these pictures uploaded for two weeks people! I think I'm tired. And I didn't include all of my favorite pictures either, otherwise you'd be here until next week. Seriously.

Brooklyn was a superstar, even with a brand stinkin new ear infection - her first ever. The family passed around a cold to each other, it worked me over. Two weeks later and my sense of taste and smell are very muted - I think I ruined my sinus cavities.

Mom and Dad, you're the best. We owe you big time. What a dream vacation, one we've been counting down to for a year. Thank you for paying full price for Brooklyn and allowing her paranoid mom some peace of mind for letting her come.

If you want to see more pics and better explanations, go visit Meg's blog - cause I know you are wanting to see more right?! :)

Too Much Fun

2011-05-31T19:52:00.001-07:00

We've had fun lately, hence the lack of posting.

Between Whit and Davis's wedding and our family cruise, we're all exhausted...

We took the munchkin on the cruise with us, she had a blast. So did we. We all crashed at the end of each day.

She started out the trip with a brand new ear infection, I ended it with a nasty cold...the kind where you can't smell or taste anything, one nostril is perma plugged and you feel fuzzy all the time. But that's what you get when you play hard - it was so worth it!

Brooklyn's take on her first cruise, she loved it!

Give me a few days to recover from this lovely head cold and get the hundreds of pics we took from the various family members and I'll share pictures of all of our recent adventures in the carribbean!

Until then, notice I finally replaced our main picture? Probably should have done that a year ago.

A Mom

2011-05-08T09:12:00.000-07:00

Last year at this time......

I was so not enjoying this version of Mother's Day, though this was the first time I had ever held the peanut.

This year is tons better.

Where would we be without the mom's in our lives? No matter if they are literally your mom, or have some sort of maternal impact on your life, they are our support system. They love us unconditionally, something I think I take for granted at times.

My mom is awesome. Especially right now. She's been running around like crazy planning a wedding, a family cruise, helping out with her own sick mom and cheering on her family. She watched her third child graduate from the U this weekend, and will watch that same daughter get married in three days. And she does all of her busy life with a smile and hardly any of that stress showing. My mom is just like that. She's the best.

Susan watched Brooklyn this weekend while Whitney went through the temple. She had the touch. A woman who has raised 9 kids would. But Brooklyn didn't give her any trouble even when getting down to sleep - and that's saying something! My mother-in-law is awesome too. She is energetic, involved and just so kind. Her son got a lot of her fabulous qualities, lucky me.

And now its my turn to evaluate my role as a mom. I still feel 18, so it jolts me a little when I look at Brooklyn and realize she opened a whole new world for me. The mothering instinct kicks in immediately. You would do anything for your child, give them the world, take away the hurts, take on their life challenges if you could. Love is a powerful thing. How grateful I am to be a mom. Life is just plain funner this way. Not better (because the other thing I wanted most in this life was to be a wife - and Roger provided that for me), but so much happier. So much more entertaining. So much purpose in life. Oh how I love my little Rogerette!

Happy Mother's Day to all of the mom's out there! We thank you for your examples, your support, your love. This generation is striving to be like you.

Happy Mother's Day to my mom and Roger's mom, we love you both so much!

Catching Up

2011-05-02T14:49:00.000-07:00

I have some serious catching up to do. I hate being behind. But we've been busy! And dealing with a sick baby that is getting another tooth on top of it.

Here's pics of Brooklyn's bday party and Easter....

Brooklyn had a nasty reaction to the Chickenpox vaccine, and we've been dealing with some sickness this last week. Plus a new tooth. Poor baby, she's miserable. And mom and dad are getting zero sleep.

And finally, Happy Easter!! The bunny visited our house, did he visit yours?!

And there is our quick update. I've gotta do better at keeping up with our lives.......

Growin'

2011-04-19T10:40:00.000-07:00

In the many faces of Brooklyn, here is her version of yesterday's doctor appt....

My attitude towards the nasty shots that have made me sick today.

I'm officially on the scales, almost all caught up! Though the nice doctor says I'm long, skinny and have a big noggin.

I also have visible hair.

And a tooth. (Look close, you can see it on the bottom!)

My nice doctor says I'm perfect. He loves me. So does my mom and dad.

One year stats:

Weight: 19.2 lbs (19% percentile)

Length: 28.9 inches (44% percentile)

Head : 17.7 inches (47% percentile)

How far we've come!

One.

2011-04-14T18:32:00.000-07:00

It's your birthday!!!

Some things to remember.....

It snowed today

You have one tooth

You say 'dada', but only smile when we try to get you to say 'mama'

You want so badly to be mobile

You are a busy body

You are finally getting to be a better sleeper

You weigh almost 19lbs.

You are grandchild #1 on the Firth side; You are #18 of 20 on the Gardner side

Barack Obama is the President of the United States

Thomas S. Monson is the Prophet

Gas is almost $4 a gallon

You go through a can of Neosure formula every 2-3 days - it costs $15.97 a can at Walmart

You love to eat mom and dad's food

You're picky on what baby food you will eat

We're still not sure what color your hair will be - blonde or strawberry blonde?

Your eyes seem to get bluer by the day

You are so incredibly loved by your parents and have us hooked around your itty bitty pudgy fingers!

Happy First Birthday Brooklyn!

Memories.

2011-04-13T07:56:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is Brooklyn's birthday. Holy smokes our baby turns one! But because of how the calendar year works, it was actually today - a Wednesday - that has me taking a trip down memory lane. Brooklyn was born on a Wednesday, bright and early at 1:48 am. I was awake last night until almost midnight reliving some of the memories of that Wednesday. Rog, unusually, was awake as well...my husband who would be asleep by 9:00 if he could, couldn't sleep either - I'm sure from my tossing and turning.

Some of that day I remember with perfect clarity, other parts of it are a blur. I'm sure the blurry moments were caused by a drug induced sleep, a side effect of an epidural that started wearing off while they stitched me back up, and some horrible nausea. I remember finding myself falling asleep sitting up in my bed whenever I was alone.

Did you know I puked as they wheeled Brooklyn's incubator into my room? Three times in fact. They had to wait for me to finish before opening the doors to let me touch her. Sad.

Did you know two of Roger's brothers spent that whole awful night with us? So did his parents, and my family. Our families were called at 11:00 at night, the news spread fast. Late night phone calls are never good news. I remember calling our moms the minute we found out we were delivering a baby...I broke down the minute my mom answered the phone. I'm sure she had flashbacks to her own nightmare 16 years ago when Callie was born at 27 1/2 weeks. I was the first day into my 28th week.

Megan and Devin sat at their kitchen table in Arizona, anxiously waiting for updates. They also looked up airfare for Meg to fly home, unsure if she would be visiting a baby or attending her funeral.

Did you know I called Meg when I was strapped to the operating table? I wanted her to call up to my unit and ask the charge nurse to warn the NICU charge nurse that one of their own was sending them their next patient. My unspoken plea was that they would keep her breathing until I could get out of my own hospital and come see her again.

Some of my own coworkers called Meg back at 4:00 in the morning for updates on myself and Baby Gardner. She laughed, knowing she had to get up 2 hours later to go to work herself. She cried all day at work.

My doctor lifted Brooklyn high enough for us to see her over the sheet when they did the c-section. I was shocked at how miniature she was. And how much she looked like her dad. She cried. I loved it, knowing her cries meant she was a fighter. Roger held my hand and put his head on mine in those first few minutes of her life, both of us unable to see her. But we could hear her.

The kind staff at Riverton hospital placed me in a recovery room at the very end of the hallway with a beautiful view of the mountains and the Salt Lake valley. I could see the basketball dome at the U of U and the glare of sunlight on the windows at Primary Childrens Hospital...knowing our little unnamed girl was on the 4th floor of that wonderful place. I was heartbroken.

There was a mom in the room next to me that sent her newborn baby to the nursery every night and every day, only wanting him/her for feeds. I wanted to resent her, to scream at her, to plead and cry and tell her how unfair it was that she had the choice to send her baby out of her room. But I didn't. I envied her. I wished I could have my baby in her little crib right next to my bed all day and all night. Instead we would spend the next 13 weeks at her bedside.

Roger and I coped very differently. I wouldn't cry, I couldn't. I plastered a smile on my face and welcomed all visitors, knowing I would have a total breakdown if I was left alone for too long. My first two nurses on the postpartum floor were coworkers of mine that had left CSU within the last two years. Akward, yes, but I loved it! I loved my nurses and techs, but no one stuck around too long to chat (with the exception of my two friends) - I think they were uncomfortable knowing I was in crisis mode. And could break down sobbing at any moment.

Roger had to stay busy. He needed to feel needed. Sitting in my room watching me sit there like a zombie was difficult for him. He went golfing with his brothers and dad the day she was born (with full approval from me)...I knew he needed an outlet. He was going crazy not being able to fix the women in his life. He golfed is best game all year that afternoon. He also put in our backyard over the next few weeks - it was a great way for him to work off his stress.

I remember feeling my stomach that day, stunned that it was all over. That my pregnancy was done. It was such a void. Despite my feelings of guilt over what I had done wrong over the last few weeks to possibly cause the preterm labor, I also felt so cheated. I wasn't done with the fun stage of pregnancy yet. I loved feeling her kick and move and wiggle. My stomach felt so flat, so empty.

I was restricted to a liquid diet that day. They brought me orange juice, and orange slush for breakfast. I hated it. I hate orange.

They had a fountain machine for the patients, with all the Diet Coke I could ask for. I didn't have any. But I would walk around and around the unit, pulling my IV pole along, my catheter hung on the bar. Hated the catheter, but it was convenient. I had a lot of fluid to get rid of after my c-section.

Today is a beautiful sunny day. So was that Wednesday. My moods are affected by the weather. The sun on the day gave me hope, despite the scary situation we found ourselves in. I love the sun.

What a crazy day that Wednesday was. So unbelievably stressful. So sad. So much grief.

I'm so glad it's past.

At this exact moment Brooklyn is sleeping the morning away in our bed. She slept with us for half the night last night. She kicked me all night. I loved it.

Tomorrow is her birthday, I cannot wait! We're having a party Saturday with all of the family members that supported us during our long road. We're celebrating her birth and her progress, but we're also saying thank you to those that love us and her!

Happy almost birthday Brooklyn, we love you!

Sometimes...

2011-04-06T15:04:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we have good days.

Sometimes we have not so good days.

Sometimes I'm tired of being the mom that day.

Sometimes Brooklyn needs a change of scenery (aka..Dad comes home!).

Sometimes (most of the time) I love hanging out with the baby.

Sometimes (shame on me) I don't.

Sometimes I can't wait until naptime to feel like 'me' again.

Sometimes I can't wait for naptime to be over.

Sometimes I don't want to cook. Or clean. Or be the responsible one.

Sometimes I do. Sometimes.

Sometimes I leave my laundry sitting on the couch & dishes in the sink to do a blog post.

Sometimes I hate that babies get colds. And new teeth.

Sometimes I have to sigh when the baby finally went to sleep.

Sometimes I look forward to going to work to have some balance in my life.

Sometimes I'm ashamed to admit that.

But always I'm in love with this baby! On our good days and bad days. But the rough days sure do feel long sometimes...

Sometimes a little sleep is all everyone needs!

Don't you love sometimes?.............

Warm, Sun, Food, and Fun

2011-03-28T12:03:00.000-07:00

Aka.....Glendale, AZ!

Oh did we have fun visiting Meg and Dev. Yes I'm rubbing in that we spent 7 days enjoying the pool and the 87 degree weather. Next time you all can come visit with us! Brooklyn had many 'firsts' on this trip, including her first plane ride. These pics are deceiving, she was awful on the flight there. An hour and a half ride felt like 5. Good thing all three men sitting by me had little kids, too - they were willing to help distract her! And forgive her constant whining!

We spent some quality time with another Beta Babe - Abby! Hey Beta girls, next dinner group needs to be in Pennsylvania - lets mark off the states! :)

The rest of the trip included the pool, shopping, and eating way more chocolate than should be legally allowed, especially since we all have to make appearances at Whit's wedding in less than two months!

We tagged along with Meg and Dev to church....Brooklyn loves Devin.

I realized on this trip I have a few very defined roles...

I'm a mom. And Brooklyn is having some serious separation anxiety if I'm out of the room. Or if she's riding in the back seat with someone besides myself. (Sorry mom and dad)

I'm a sister and daughter. And so grateful for the sisters and mom/dad I have! I'm very lucky I have great relationships with each of them. We can talk all night and never get tired of each other.

I'm a twin. And not ashamed to admit I miss my twin very much. I wish each person could have a twin. It is so so so much fun. I say I'm not going to cry when we leave or she leaves, but gosh darn it I do everytime. Miss you Meg.

I'm a wife. And missed my other half a lot. You don't realize just how much your life revolves around your spouse until you spend a week without him. Missed you Rog, thanks for letting me take a vacation. I needed it, but your girls sure missed you.

Last year at this exact time I was pregant with little miss Brooklyn - this year she got to sit in her own pool chair. Wonder what next year will bring?

Thanks again Blands for letting us crash your party!

We Made It!

2011-03-17T12:00:00.000-07:00

Arizona is fabulous! We've missed these two!

The plane ride was a little rough, good thing it was only an hour long. The sun here is so great, it's been missing in action in Salt Lake for way too long.

We're so glad to be here, thanks Meg and Dev for letting us crash your party!!

And Brooklyn is kinda confused about Meg. She can't decide if she loves her (cause she's basically me!), or if she still a stranger after not seeing her for 3 months. Aren't they both so cute?!

Girls

2011-03-07T16:23:00.000-08:00

I'm glad I'm a girl.

I'm glad I have three sisters.

I'm glad I have lots of sisters-in-law.

I'm glad I have lots and lots of boofy blonde beautiful cousins.

I'm glad I have girlfriends.

It's great to be a girl. Girls are just girls, ya know? We get each other. We like to talk and eat together for hours on end. Phone calls with the hubby last maybe five minutes. Always have. Even when we were dating we didn't like talking over the phone. In person is way better. Phone calls with my sisters are always long. Girls just like to talk.

I'm so glad we had a little girl. She's my buddy, my lunchdate, my shopping partner, my mini-me. Most of our conversations are one-sided, but she still loves me. And I sure do love her back.

I'm so glad I get to go on a girls trip next week. This snow is killing me. And I'm in need for some serious girltalk. And good old diet pepsi by the pool. Brooklyn is coming with me, can't wait!

But I sure will miss this guy.......

Seriously people, isn't he handsome? I'm lucky he gets me, that he understand my need for girl time. For sister time. For these little girls trips I take. Love him.

And so does our blue-eyed daughter.

Angels

2011-02-28T08:49:00.000-08:00

It has been a rough week for some people close to me. And myself.

One of my closest friends from college lost her little boy last week. He only lived about a week. I had the honor of meeting the sweet little guy in the NICU before his mom and dad took him home. The funeral is today. Pretty sure I'll have a big red swollen nose before the day is over.

My patient died over the weekend. Was is expected? Yes. Did that make it any easier? No. The family loved their day shift nurse (they went way back), so she stayed as well until the little girl passed. In my five years of working at this childrens hospital I have never seen a child earn their angel wings while I was in the room. The reality of the things we had just witnessed and done for this child didn't hit me until I got in the car to go home (they usually send you home if a child dies on your shift). I bawled my eyes out the entire ride home. Then woke Rog up when I got home and he let me cry it out a bit longer.

Today I'm more at peace with all of the situations life has dealt these families; though, I could still cry at any moment if you caught me unprepared.

But this week has stressed how grateful I am for the gospel in my life. Life isn't fair sometimes. We all know this. My heart aches for my friends who are dealing with rough trials. I wish I could bring each of them some chocolate and let them rant and rave and cry. But I can't begin to describe how lucky I felt in each of these situations that I believed in heaven. And eternal families.

My patient's sister was being brought into the room so she could be there when her sister passed away. Her uncle was talking to her, I was behind them listening. He said "Do you remember what we told you? That '.......' will go to heaven tonight to be with Jesus?" This sweet little girl responded in tears "yes, she will be an angel".

I cried then and there listening to that sweet conversation. It was an honor and a privilege to be there to witness this innocent little girl earn her ticket to heaven that night. And I'm so very grateful for the Angels that watch over us and our loved ones during these rough times.

Sleep Training

2011-02-18T13:15:00.000-08:00

Sitting up......done. (Within 5 days of the therapist coming over.)

Rolling over......done. Mostly.

Eating solids.....yep. Loving it.

Sleeping through the night.....nope.

Able to get herself to sleep without needing to be rocked, cuddled, bounced, paced, etc....big nope.

With that being said, we are sleep training as of today. And ya know what? It's awful! You know those fun size packages of Reese's Fastbreaks they sell for $1? Ate half a bag waiting for her to stop screaming. Awesome.

How do you all do it?!

We're doing the screaming interval method for now. Scream for 5, held for 2 - and repeat. It's taken three rounds of this with each nap today. She cried hard. Splotchy face and all. I cried too. Probably will again when we have to do this cycle again with the next nap.

Definitely not tackling sleeping through the night yet. I don't have nerves of steel. I can only handle so much this week. Maybe next week.

She's just too big to be bounced to sleep forever. And we can't leave her with anyone except my mom. Babysitters can't handle a tough sleeper, I won't do that to them. We can't have more babies if we're pacing the halls with a two year old. (No, we are not even thinking about thinking about thinking of having another one yet.)

Will someone come hold my hand while she screams please? I'm such a softy. I thought I'd be good at this! I can get the toughest of heart babies to sleep at work. Why can't I get my own child to sleep normally?!

What we don't do out of desperation for some sleep and time to get things done around the house...........

Love Day

2011-02-14T04:09:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day

2011

Valentine's Day is kind of a big deal to me. Not because of the flowers, the cards, the chocolate, the excuse to go out to eat. It's because four Valentine's ago Roger and I decided we were only dating each other. Rog brought it up while we ate at the Roof downtown...not that he was planning on it. It just came up. Three months later that led to the big marriage discussion. Four month later we were married.

So its an important day to me.

This year we included an extra Valentine on the 'love' list. She joined us for dinner at Asian Star. Next year we'll leave her at home - she was so hyper! Who fed her sugar? But she sure was a hit - we got stopped all night!

She's figuring out how to pull her bows off. Darn. We really need her to grow some hair so she'll look like a girl once I can no longer keep the bows on her.

Now for the cheesy stuff. No eye rolling...all of you go write your own posts about the loves in your life so I can have something to read.

It's amazing to me how such a simple thing - a wedding ring - signifies so much!

Four years later that commitment means so much more. How lucky that my future is tied to Roger. Our life isn't perfect, neither is our marriage. Thank goodness. Life would be pretty boring if we didn't have an excuse to fight and then make up! :)

Roger is just so good to me, even when I don't deserve it. He's such a good dad as well. He was nervous to take on that title, afraid of the responsibility it would be. Yet, most days he's better at being a spouse and a parent than I am!

I love both of the Valentines in my life. Who couldn't love them when they are both so dang cute?!

Happy Love Day!

Thank You

2011-01-31T13:14:00.001-08:00

Today I stand corrected. And a little humbled, as much as my pride hates to admit that.

This cutie pie doesn't qualify for Early Intervention...because she's not behind!!

Brooklyn is definitely not 'jumping ahead' when it comes to gross motor skills (rolling over, sitting up) but is in no way delayed. In fact, our awesome therapist called her 'social'...we've heard that before!

I also LOVED the therapist! Ali, you were right. Brooklyn loved a new playmate - she performed quite well for him. She may be a little afraid of strangers (she's afraid you're going to poke her) and gives out smiles only after you've worked hard for them, but she is still a very social and curious baby.

I'm so glad. And relieved. I thought I had failed as a mom because she can't do certain things yet. I'm the one home with her most during the day, so I thought her 'delays' were my fault. I'm glad to hear she's on track. It saved me a little bit of heartache today.

We were taught some great tricks today. And why is it these kids always perform for these guys and not for mom and dad? Brooklyn sat up today - on her own - for two minutes - without any help whatsoever. What?!

I'm excited to practice our new tricks in the coming weeks. He said she should be sitting up within two weeks! Here's crossing our fingers!

I also need to reevaluate the words in the title of this post.

THANK YOU.

Thank you to the people that follow our blog...no matter if we know you or not. Do you have any idea how much it means to us? This is our journal, but also my place to find support. So thank you for being there.

And I read each of your blogs faithfully. In fact I check my bloglist everyday. I even check your blog lists for the people I know/want to know that I'm too afraid to leave a comment with. Please know I love your updates, despite my lack of comments. I'm a follower, please continue to update! And leave me a comment so I can feel okay about adding you to our bloglist.

Thank you to programs like Early Intevention. Thank you to the people that work so hard for others. Thank you....such simple words. But we sure mean it!

A Better Me

2011-01-25T15:13:00.001-08:00

I'm a part-time employee as of this week - total bliss. I love my job, don't get me wrong. But the sacrifices we were making to keep full time benefits (more PTO accrual, cheaper insurance premiums) were too much. I have been a crappy mom and an even crappier wife. Seriously. Pathetic even.

The dream to be a mom and a wife are literally in my hands, and I was doing a poor job of both titles from lack of sleep. So my first week of working two shifts dealt me a. being put on call for my first shift of the week, b. snow. Awesome.

It has been heavenly staying home. I'll get stir crazy if we don't get a break from the snow so we can go outside, but I already feel better about myself.

There is something to be said for your self worth and how you view yourself. I'm a 'list maker' and my biggest critic, probably a bit of a perfectionist even. I was falling short in every area I could think of -- with my improved schedule life can only get better from my perspective. More expensive yes (wish the world wasn't controlled by money), but hopefully Roger and Brooklyn will actually start to like me again. Right Rog? :)

Brooklyn likes having me 'awake' during the day too. Chewing and throwing toys has become a new favorite. I'm totally entertained. Who wants to come visit?!

Irony

2011-01-14T11:43:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: For the parents out there that read our blog that have children that get to visit the doctor a lot for whatever reason....this post is going to be an honest one. Please don't be offended by my honesty. I know tomorrow when I reread what I've written I'll be feeling the need to personally find each and every one of you and apologize for my 'woe is me' moment. I know our situation could be SO MUCH WORSE than what it actually is. But you know me, I do posts like this when I'm upset. So here goes...

Doctors and I have a love-hate relationship. Can't live without them, but wish I could. Yep, today was another doctor visit. You know you've done too many of them when your nine month old (today!) starts to scream as soon as they weigh her. I hate shots. I hate that they make her cry. I hate that she looks at me when they do it...and I'm unable to take the hurt away. Blasted shots.

Brooklyn has had lots of them lately. Due to her 'unique birth', she qualifies for RSV shots once a month until April. I preach this stuff and recognize its importance. But I still hate the irony of our situation. I have worked as a pediatric nurse for 5 years and always thought "no big deal". It's just 'this' or 'that'....they're lucky they are able to receive such great medical care.

I totally agree.

But does anyone ever tell you the heartache that medical care will cost you? Do they count each and every tear you child has cried? Or your tears for that matter? I never knew what it would be like to be on the other end. And it's awful. And to make me feel even worse?....

IT'S ALL MY FAULT.

Now to all the kind souls that will try to talk me out of this belief. Thank you. And I know to some degree you're probably right. But this 'unique' situation is my fault by default. Her pain and suffering from the start was my fault. I brought her into this world too early. No idea why, but still my fault because I'm the woman. I carry the babies. And I deliver them.

I detest that we aren't 'normal'. Today Dr. Duffy signed us up for Early Intervention to help Brooklyn bridge the developmental gap between her 'due date' and her 'actual birthdate'. I left sad and upset. Does this mean my child isn't normal or won't be normal? Not one bit. And I know that. But I don't want to be 'one of those families' that gets to visit the Dr a lot. I just don't. It makes me sad and angry. But still grateful - always grateful we have access to this kind of care.

Our baby is a sweet, smiley, happy little girl. I don't want to take this away from her. I don't want her to be afraid of strangers because of what they might do to her. And I hate hate hate to see her cry. Gosh I hate it, so much. Really, you don't even know. Maybe that day in the NICU when she silently cried (on the vent remember?) traumatized me. Probably so. And I need to get over my issues with that stuff. But I'm having a hard time people. And our stay was relatively smooth! What am I going to do if we have to do this again?! What if its worse?! And what if its my fault...again?

I think I'll get another donut and diet pepsi today.

CHANGE

2011-01-12T20:29:00.000-08:00

(Park City - 2008)

I came across this picture tonight as I was cleaning out my emails. This was one year of marriage behind us, still living up the apartment life, no thoughts of Brooklyn yet (soon after though!)....clueless to what changes life would bring us.

The picture below is December 2010.

What fun 'change' has been for us!

Change can be scary. Change can be fun. Change can be stressful, emotional, good, bad, etc.

But above all change is an adjustment. No good or bad attached, just an adjustment.

Tonight I found myself home with nothing to do. Work cancelled my shift, dishes were done, baby in bed an hour early, Roger playing basketball with guys in the ward.

Perfect.

I started a scalding hot bubblebath with my new soap from Christmas, poured myself a diet wild cherry pepsi with ice and opened a sappy romantic book.

Literally two minutes into this lovely relaxing hour to myself the baby monitor registered the first grunt. Followed by some squeeking that is a result of any movement in her crib. Then came the cries to get her out of bed.

Seriously?!!

I giggled as I ran to her room with bubbles covering my legs and thought to myself...good thing "change" comes with such a cute face!! :)

This is totally blackmail, but this is for Aunt Jodie and Aunt Michelle. You two remember the picture on my mom's fridge of the three of you? I think Brooklyn just topped you in laughs earned in this picture!!

Brooklyn will be nine months on Friday. What?!!! Would time just slow down for a minute please?

Nine months has brought on the joys of rice cereal, tummy time, trying so hard to get her to learn to roll over (no luck with this one, as much as this frustrates me to see her not performing this skill yet)

Brooklyn has also decided sleeping through the night isn't for her anymore. She gets up at least once if not twice. Uugh. We've resorted to letting her sleep in our bed from 6:00am on from sheer desperation for sleep.

Change...gotta love it!! :)

For Meg cause she doesn't get to see the daily entertainment. And no, we didn't teach her this one.

A New Year

2011-01-01T11:12:00.001-08:00

I look back on 2010 and am amazed yet again how fast time goes. I remember when Christmas would take forever to finally get here, I'd be counting down the days. Now we just finished another Christmas, another New Year celebration....and I wasn't done with my last year's goals!

I was chatting with Rog this week about this past year. He said it was his worst year. Paused for a moment...then said it was his best year as well.

I think I'll second that.

What a roller coaster of a year for the Gardner household. Complete honestly makes me admit that it had to one of the most physically, emotionally, spiritually and financially draining years of our married life. It brought the highest high for us with the birth of Brooklyn, but took us to rock bottom in the same second. We adjusted to life as homeowners, getting comfortable in a new ward and a new neighborhood. We've made the best of friends here, how lucky we are! Our marriage was tested during the long road in the hospital...I am so eternally grateful I married the man I did. He will never know just how much he means to me. Women's minds are a mystery to men, but I hope Roger knows that he is the person that makes me, me.

So as we look to 2011, I am excited. And hoping for a smooth year. Of course life doesn't go as we plan it, so I'm sure next years post at this time will be interesting. We are ready for progress and new goals (and finishing last year's!).

To 2010: Thank you for the lessons and fun. But let's not do it again.

To 2011: Can't wait to see what you bring us!

Happy New Year to all!!

An Old Friend

2010-12-24T09:07:00.000-08:00

Flashback to May. Brooklyn was only a month old.

These pics represent my hospital routine. I would get up each morning - shower - stop to get my diet pepsi (and donut remember?) - and head up to the hospital. If I was lucky and if she was stable enough I was allowed to hold her.

Holding her on the vent was tough. It was scary. It was a difficult process to get her from her bed to my chest. We always had two nurses and a respiratory therapist standing by to help out. Once she was settled, there we would sit...for as long as her little body could handle it. They said 'skin to skin' always benefited the baby, but there were definitely times I thought otherwise. Or maybe I just didn't like seeing her hold her breath during these times.

We'd sit for up to an hour. My left hand under her non existent bum, my right hand holding my gown closed over her body to keep her warm. I wouldn't rock, I wouldn't move. I was terrified I'd bump her breathing tube. Or hurt her. So we'd sit utterly still. My left hand would be numb by the time they put her back in bed. I'd softly rest my chin on her plum size head and look forward to the day we could rock her to sleep at home instead of in the NICU. Our smart nurses always had me keep my back to her monitors. I was a 'number watcher', my heartbeat speeding up each time she threatened to drop her oxygen levels. They said Brooklyn could sense my stress. Ignorance is bliss, so this was always the setup.

Now fast forward to last night....

We love to be able to rock our baby anytime we want now. In fact we've created a monster at bedtimes because she has to be rocked to sleep. Oops. But we are so grateful we can do this, because for months we weren't allowed to.

Brooklyn is not cuddly, sadly. She does not like to be cuddled, hardly at all. But she does cuddle when she's not feeling well.

So why the trip down memory lane??

We pulled out our old friend - the monitor - last night. Brooklyn gave us a bit of a scare at dinner. She fell asleep in Roger's arms, so we tucked her in her carseat. Roger happened to look over at her and asked me "Does she look pale to you?"

Oh my did she ever. Chalky white in fact. Like I've never seen that color on a baby before - and I'm a nurse! He moved so fast, I didn't have time to blink. He yanked her out of her carseat and put her on her belly and rubbed her back.

We're not sure what was going on and I didn't have time to assess if she was breathing or not. She woke up immediately, but it took her a good few minutes to get her rosy cheeks back. Once we got home she threw up everything she had eaten.

We're fairly certain she had a tummy bug, but still not sure what happened during dinner. She may have thrown up in her sleep and stopped breathing for a minute. Or maybe she was getting ready to puke and that was her body's way of getting ready. We're not sure.

So out came the pulse ox machine to give us some peace of mind. Overboard? Probably. But we'll keep it on her at night for a few days anyway.

And to top off our night, our basement has been full of water the past two days. We have a windowwell on the north side of our house that keeps filling with water from all this lovely rain. So my studly husband has been setting alarms through the night to get up and bail out the water so it will stop spilling over into our basement.

On a lighter note, Merry Christmas Eve!!

Awesome

2010-12-23T09:43:00.000-08:00

Just because she's cute, some pics for your enjoyment. Mine too.

Go Jazz

2010-12-23T09:28:00.000-08:00

Our Jazz have done very well lately, so you can imagine how excited my husband was when my dad offered us two tickets to the Jazz game last week - in the suite! Oh yummy food. I also love that my inherited brother (aka...Dusty - Roger's brother), was willing to come in my dad's place when he decided he couldn't go anymore. Love that the Gardner men are willing to go with such a random group - my mom, Rog and I, and a dang cute baby! :)

Brooklyn LOVES Uncle Dusty. Just look at that smile. Melts ya every time!

Lights

2010-12-14T08:45:00.001-08:00

We love to see the lights. We stop to get awesome hot chocolate and wander until we're freezing cold. This year we spilled the hot chocolate everywhere. And Brooklyn slept through most of our walking (bedtime was way past, awesome parents aren't we?) But we'll most likely go see the lights one more time before Christmas just because we can.

Can you see her little face in there? She was so tucked in and toasty warm. Made us want to crawl in there with her!

2010-12-06T19:15:00.000-08:00

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

Love,

Roger, Ashlee and Brooklyn

Wedding Bells!

2010-12-02T14:58:00.000-08:00

Davis popped the question last night!

These two have loved each other since they were just little elementary school kids.

Congrats Whitney and Davis! We are so thrilled for you two!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

2010-11-30T14:09:00.000-08:00

Oh that's right, Thanksgiving is past. I'm behind, but had to post pics from our Thanksgiving fun.

Pre-Thanksgiving dinner with Meg and Dev. (Meg had to fly home to work the entire holiday weekend.)

Followed by a visit back to the good old stomping grounds to see 'Cinderella' at Hillcrest High School. Roger decided he didn't want to see a bunch of singing, so he watched the munchkin and Callie brought AJ instead!

Came home to have some camera fun with Brooklyn. Love her.

And finally, our actual Thanksgiving at the Gardners. So much fun. Liz and Adam announced that Gardner grandbaby #20 will be arriving next year!! Congrats guys!

This is one of two tables of people. We're a huge family and still growing!

And of course, the day after Thanksgiving shopping...the babies joined us! What a stud this guy is. This would be Kaden Cole. I could eat him up.

Can't believe Christmas is next week!!!!!!!!!!!!

A House Divided

2010-11-30T13:19:00.000-08:00

Who to cheer for?

UTAH vs. BYU

Who was there??

The Gardner family. Notice I am the ONLY one cheering on our Utes.

(Brooklyn is neutral at this point)

Did NOT have a happy husband at the end of the game. And Brooklyn was done with all of the insane noise - some of that noise was not 'happy' noise during that last play.

Brooklyn consoling Grandpa Gary

Yes, we are a house divided. So with as much tact and grace as I can muster, I say.....

GO UTES!!!!!!!!

Tis the Season

2010-11-20T21:15:00.000-08:00

It's the most wonderful time of the year!!
(Doesn't she remind you of the movie "Christmas Story"?)

I love love love this time of the year! So many fun things to do!

Time to put the coats back on, light the candles (cinnamon, from Taipan to be exact), buy egg nog, and eat cookies
First snowfall!! Can I say how fun it is to celebrate the season as a larger family this year!

Do some Christmas shopping (okay, okay...I started mine in September. Pathetic I know. Can't help myself.), gear up for the holidays, spend time with family....and the list goes on!
Did I already say eat cookies? And buy egg nog?

Roger and I are in trouble. We have a bad habit of buying frozen cookie dough and baking "a few" on the nights we're both home. Store bought cookie dough is gross, but not straight out of the oven! How about we get an extra present under the tree for every pound we gain? That way I won't feel so guilty. Bring on the holidays!!

Meg and Dev are in town. This was Brooklyn's reaction. Also the picture I sent both of them as they landed at the airport. Don't ya just love this girl?

She has also taken on a new habit. We call this the 'monkey' face. No idea what she's chewing on when she does this, but it sure makes us laugh. She has found her voice and 'talks' to us all the time. Maybe this face is her version of having a conversation with us? :)

And finally, tucking in for her "long winter nap". If you call one hour naps long.

Happy Holidays to all! I've wrapped all of Roger's gifts... who wants help wrapping theirs? I'll make you a cookie if you come over! Two or three if you ask nicely. :)

Yes I'm lame. What can I say...repeat title!

Ouch

2010-11-10T11:24:00.001-08:00

I had surgery yesterday. Ouch. And I threw up afterwards. A lot.

Why you ask?? From this pretty baby right here.

I've had a cyst on my left wrist for a couple months. The doctor says its from post pregnancy hormones and the way I would hold Brooklyn when I was burping her. Oops. Come talk to me and I'll show you how NOT to burp a baby.

Two steroid injections and lots of doctor visits wouldn't get rid of the pain. And it hurt lots. So surgery was scheduled. It was great. In and out. But I told the docs that I struggle with post-op nausea. I actually struggle with nausea with narcotics as well. I'll never be an addict cause I HATE to throw up! Yuck.

Despite some lovely nausea meds, I still had to have Roger pull over on the side of the road after leaving the surgery clinic so I could dry heave. I dry heaved all day at my mom's while she watched the baby. And took good care of a sickly daughter (thanks mom, I owe you!). I might have thrown up into a grocery bag all the way home as well.

Like I said, never gonna be an addict.

Roger should be a nurse. And a maid. He took awesome care of me last night. He cleaned, he bathed the baby, he yelled and screamed when our Utah Jazz won in overtime, he helped me into bed at 9:00 at night cause I'd been passed out on the couch for who knows how long. I love him. Thanks Rog for taking care of me. And thanks mom for cooking us dinner.

Today I'm a new woman. No more throwing up - in fact I'm enjoying a nice cold Diet Pepsi as we speak. Love that. And my wrist hardly hurts today, just some soreness that comes and goes.

But I still hate surgery. I've only had surgery for bad reasons (guess there's never a good reason), but I still don't like the memories those awful OR lights bring back. Hopefully the Gardner household is done with doctors for a long time!

A Diet Pepsi and a Cupcake

2010-11-04T13:42:00.000-07:00

This time I'm celebrating, so I had to switch up the dunford donut for a cupcake. The Sweet Tooth Fairy cupcakes to be exact. They're heavenly. Danget.

Brooklyn had her first neonatal followup visit today. This is a pretty intense visit, it took us over three hours! We see them about four times over a five year timespan. They evaluate everything from weight and height, to her sleeping and eating habits...all of her milestones.

We learned a few things:

She's a very "social" baby. This caught me funny, I had to giggle as we got in the car. Of course she's social people, she a girl! And is the granddaughter of two very social grandmas! It might have helped that she gave smiles out like they were candy. Yes, her docs may have been men - way to flirt it up Brooklyn!
She's chubby for a preemie. She is in the 75% for weight had she been born on time. Guess she's eating just fine.
All major body systems are funcioning properly (with the exception of the kidney reflux - but we're crossing our fingers she'll outgrow it by age 5).
She's a great sleeper...I guess sleeping for 12 hours at night (at this point for a preemie) is not the norm. But we've never been the norm, right?
Developmentally, both physically and cognitively, she's right on track. Should be caught up to her real age vs adjusted age by age 2.
She is a very lucky little girl. Very lucky indeed.

I do have 'sting nose' a bit as I write this. Today I was surrounded by children and families in our exact situation. We chatted and compared stories as we waited out turns to see the various doctors. So many of the babies we met weren't as lucky as we were. I saw all too familiar oxygen tanks, feeding tubes, monitors just like ours (and beeping like crazy), and worn out parents. But grateful parents...for the miracles we were all bouncing and pacing the halls with.

I was nervous for this appointment. I had a knot in my stomach as I went to bed last night. Maybe from some real nervousness, maybe just a residual effect of the stress of the NICU. But I left there today so grateful for our baby and how well she sailed through her journey.

She has only two scars to prove she was so early....one on her nose from the Cpap causing breakdown, and a purple mark on her right knee. This may be a birthmark, or it may be an extremely deep bruise from birth. Her admission note to the NICU stated she was "a severely bruised infant, covering her torso, shoulders, legs and face". I'm sure the fact that she was a footling breech and face down contributed to all of the bad bruising.

This visit reminded me of the "waiting" we did for 13 weeks. It was awful. I don't think I will ever adequately be able to describe what it feels like to just simply "wait". For weight gain, for getting off the ventilator, for time to pass, for test results that never end. I think this is what gave me the "I can't breath very well" feeling 24/7. The waiting and wondering never went away. 13 weeks of that kind of stress, the kind that makes you feel like you have a piano on your chest, will do permanent damage to a person. I don't think I will ever be a patient person, as ashamed as I am to admit it. I do NOT do well with the kind of thing. In hindsight, I've never seen myself so broken, so zombielike (though I did my best to hide it). And I've never felt closer to my husband than during those months. We had no one to cry to everyday but each other. He saved me, literally, everyday from succumbing to a complete and total breakdown from the worry for our daughter's life and future.

I hope and pray we will not have to do this again. Yes, we want more children. Yes, I would take on a preemie again if I had to. Of course I would. But for now, I'm going to go hug the baby that is sleeping in her crib in the next room that now lets me smile proudly (as every parent does) that she belongs to us!

Happy Halloween

2010-11-02T09:01:00.001-07:00

We're a few days late - better late than never!

Happy Halloween from the Gardner house!

Sleep

2010-11-02T08:45:00.001-07:00

On one of my night shifts, Roger sent me this picture in the middle of the night...

Brooklyn had been awake for a couple of hours. Not needing anything, just awake.

The picture below was taken the morning after she came home. We were loopy from lack of sleep (monitors beeping, middle of the night bottles, stress, having a newborn home for the first time, etc.)

Well last night she fell asleep at 6:00pm (in her clothes, no diaper change).........and slept until 8:00 this morning!! Total 180 from those first few weeks.

I'm sure she was wiped out from our day yesterday. I had a few doctor appts for myself (more to come on that another day), which resulted in little to no naps. The timing just didn't work out for her to sleep well. My fault. Mother of the Year award coming right up.

It still catches me off guard just how much sleep babies need to be happy and functional. Lucky little things. Aren't we all jealous?

Other fun stuff going on in our lives - Brooklyn and I left Rog home this last week and tagged along for a trip to Vegas with the parentals and Meg. (Yes I do that a lot. No eye rolling please. I know I should just stay home, but we can't pass up an opportunity for fun!)

Figured out Brooklyn really doesn't like loud noises. The water show didn't go so well for us. But sun hats look cute on her, even if we spent the entire time in the shade. Call me paranoid. Also not helping my pasty white skin to tan at all.

Lunch with Debbie, my next door neighbor growing up! Her and Jerry are mission presidents in Las Vegas. Thanks for chatting Debbie, we'll come visit again!!

We also gave the baby rice cereal for the first time. So darn funny. We're not sure she liked it. But it sure gave us good entertainment!

And finally, all dressed up for church! Have I mentioned how fun it is to play dress up with babies? So fun.

Excuse the lack of quality in some of the pictures we post. A lot are taken with my crappy cell phone because the moment will be lost if I take the time to grab my camera.

Date Night

2010-10-23T11:49:00.000-07:00

I LOVE date nights!

I've missed Roger this week. It feels like we're married, but just going through the motions. We say hello and goodbye as we both come and go from work.

So last night was a great boost for us...Cafe Rio and pumpkin carving (of course I made choc chip cookies as we carved. You know me and my awful sweet tooth.).

Brooklyn fell asleep at dinner with this lovely death grip on the side of her carseat. And literally slept like that until we got home an hour later. Classic.

Her bald head matches the roundness of the pumpkins!

Don't I get to carve one? (Sad to admit this, but we forgot to get Brooklyn a pumpkin. We honestly didn't even think to get her one. Oops. I'll be making another trip back to the store.)

Some bad pictures. That's what you get with the nighttime lighting and a camera propped on a toaster. Haha.

We had every intention of creating awesome pumpkins. But we lost steam. Carving gave us sore hands. Can ya tell we were watching the Jazz game while we worked?

And Roger ran out of room and ended up with "Utah Jaz" instead of "Utah Jazz"...so no one look too closely when you trick or treat at our house this year!

Happy Halloween from our pumpkins to yours!!

First Laugh

2010-10-21T14:20:00.000-07:00

I dare you not to laugh with her!

First laugh caught on video...

Gratitude

2010-10-19T13:13:00.001-07:00

I feel so much Gratitude...

For this princess.

Today we went to her pediatrician again - time for shots. Hate those. Hate to see her cry. But she recovered quickly thank goodness. I've seen enough pokes and needles in her to last a lifetime.

She is 13lbs. 3 oz - yay for a chubby girl. Of course, we're not on the growth charts yet, but her chin is a good indicator of how well she's growing.

Before going home we made a stop to visit my OB...his office is one floor below Brooklyn's doctor. He hasn't had a chance to see the product of his hard work all those months ago. I could have hugged the man. He saved her life; therefore saving ours in the process. I walked out of the Riverton hospital this morning feeling so much gratitude. For the miracle that took place in that exact hospital six months ago.

The delivery experience, the NICU experience, the stress, the grief, the fears, the absolute heartbreak we felt back then feels like a bad dream. Yet I look at the tiny scar on my stomach and am reminded of the journey we went through. And that little scar is my daily reminder to acknowledge the people that got us to this point.

--My OB - who came in on his night off at 2:00am - to deliver a tiny baby girl...and calm two totally stressed out parents.

--Dr. Duffy, Brooklyn's pediatrician, who accepted her as a new patient, though he wasn't taking new patients at the time.

--The kind nurses and medical staff that treated us like family.

--The family, friends, coworkers, neighbors and strangers that loved our baby the instant they saw her.

--My religion. The one thing that allowed me to admit that life sometimes doesn't go as planned. That sometimes life isn't fair. That things aren't always in your control. That allowed me to believe things would work out, no matter the outcome. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints...we believe that families can and will see each other again. This belief allowed me to accept whatever Brooklyn's fate would be, no matter what her ending may be.

So today I'm grateful. Brooklyn is a perfect, healthy little girl. Her personality is emerging, she's gonna be a spitfire! The grief I felt on this day was as strong as the gratitude I feel today.

All worn out after 4 shots...

And just because she's so funny, some great tub pictures...notice we have to lift her chin out of the way to clean her rolls! Haha.

Difference of Opinion

2010-10-13T17:30:00.000-07:00

Roger and I have a few things we differ on, as every married couple should. But these are kinda random things.

For example:
Roger likes chunky peanut butter and strawberry jam. I like creamy peanut butter and raspberry jam.

Roger uses Crest with mouthwash toothpaste, I use Colgate total.

Roger likes 2% milk and wheat break, I like 1% and white bread.

And the list goes on.

But we do agree on one thing for sure....we did good work with this peanut! We love our chubby cheeks girl!!

Three Years and Counting

2010-10-05T16:27:00.000-07:00

I've been a Gardner for 3 years as of Sunday.

Happy Anniversary Roger! I couldn't be happier to claim you as my own!

3 is apparantly our lucky number......married the third of October, been married three years - now a family of three (after Brooklyn decided to come three months early). Can't wait to see what three more will bring!!

Last year we celebrated at Stein Erickson Lodge just the two of us. This year we packed up practically the entire house and brought the baby with us! Definitely different vacationing with a baby in tow...this time we hot tubbed with the baby monitor sitting on the table right next to us. Love it.

Dad and Brooklyn, watching football...what else? :)

Wonder if she'll grow up to be a Ute or a Cougar?!

After a night alone, the rest of the Firth/Rasmussen clan joined us at Stein for loads of eating, shopping, relaxing and watching conference. This is a yearly tradition and one we look forward to so much! Thanks Doug and Michelle for organizing it!

Heather and Brian's baby - Kaden Cole! What a stud. I thought about packing him home with us.

Brooklyn looks so fat here. She has no neck. It's hidden under her double - turning into a triple- chin!

Brooklyn watching us pack everything up. She was bummed to leave, too.

Like I said, lots of eating was done........

And sleeping..........

I'm missing lots of pictures, but don't have time to find them all to post. Life is too busy these days to play catch up. But I'll just mention that our princess of a baby is sleeping through the night as of a week ago! Oh heavenly sleep. We've missed you...

Hi There

2010-09-21T21:36:00.000-07:00

Oh hi. Been sick. So has this peewee - she gave me her cold.

We both spent this last week a bit congested. She did great - no problems in the sleeping or eating department.

I, on the other hand, spent two days flat in bed. Finally made it back to work this weekend. My pod partner is a walking pharmacy and doped me up with everything she had in her bag - I was a new woman! Thanks Barb!

And of course, Roger never got sick. Go figure.

All smiles these days! Total gummer, love it! Brooklyn smiles with her whole body - eyebrows, hands flailing, legs kicking, nostrils flaring. Love baby language!!

Not too much to blog about these days, we're just going day to day. Roger called me last night and offered to take us to dinner instead of me cooking. I could have kissed him! I was exhausted (I'd worked the night before and Brooklyn only took a few cat naps, which means mom only got the same amount of sleep!). I've missed him. Working straight nights has put a big damper on our available time to see each other.

Brooklyn loves to sleep through the night (for the most part - maybe getting up once), but not so much the nights I work. She loves to make dad get out of bed two or three times. Not sure what to do? I swear she knows when we're both home!

Tonight.

2010-09-13T20:49:00.000-07:00

Have I mentioned how much I love these two?

This is a preview of some family pictures we had taken a few weeks ago...more to come as soon as they're bought and paid for! And yes, this is a picture of a picture on the computer. Is that legally allowed??

Tonight I'm destressing. I had a class/tests for work this morning that I've been worrying about for awhile. Not really sure why, it was just a renewal course. But it's kept me slightly anxious.

Which means I'm sort of a grump. And I'm tired. Which makes me really a grump. I've been short with Roger all week...for a few weeks actually. I hate to admit that. I should be doing better. I was a wife way before I took on the title of mom.

We haven't seen much of each other. Work schedules, sleep schedules, Brooklyn schedules, and even play schedules have distracted us from us. When did that happen? Funny how you have to step back every once in awhile and recognize that you're not doing a very good job with one of your first priorities.

So tonight, we relaxed. And took some time to hang out at home.

Yep, Brooklyn hung out with us - snotty nose and throw up included! Roger read a book on the couch, while I sat next to him making my cheeks hurt I was trying so hard to get the baby to smile. (It worked by the way.) We may have put the baby in her too big polkadot nightgown and strapped her in the carseat, just to wander Walmart. Spent way too much money for just wandering. Seriously, how does that happen?!

But we scored a free box of FatBoy Ice Cream Bars. Awesome.

I love these two people I call 'family'. They are all mine. How did I get so lucky?

Kaden Cole

2010-09-11T13:41:00.000-07:00

Been waitin' for this little guy to make his appearance for a long time! He spent his first week of life in the NICU, but is home and healthy. And have I mentioned ADORABLE? This peanut belongs to my cousin Heather and her hubby Brian.

Congrats guys, he's perfect! And so worth the wait!!

Brooklyn - five months old, & Kaden - two weeks old

Can you believe that hair?! Do you think he'd share with our bald baby?

So grateful for my cousins! So lucky I'm friends with them! Lunch date at Chilis guys? Then a trip to the Sweet Tooth Fairy??! :)

2010-09-06T19:29:00.000-07:00

It's been a BUSY weekend for us! I didn't have to work, so we jam packed a lot into four days.

We enjoyed some high school football.......

Boy did this night bring back some memories! Can't believe its been almost ten years since I was at Hillcrest High School!

Cheering on the team and Callie! So great to be a fan in the stands instead of down on the track. (But you looked great Callie!)

Brooklyn enjoyed the staduim lights way more than the game.

But decided the announcers voice wasn't so fun to listen to...

Am I old enough to have a sister on a Varsity Cheer team?!

Saturday we spent the day shopping (if you can call not really buying anything 'shopping' ) in Park City. And getting a picture with the newest member of the Jazz team!

Roger and Al Jefferson

Sunday we went to all three meetings of church together! As in all 3 of us!

Brooklyn likes the idea of church....

Also spent some time at Grandma and Grandpa's house

And today's fun - hiking to Stewart Falls! We bundled up and joined members of both families for the hike. So fun. And wasn't nearly as cold as the weather guy predicted...

If you look really closely, you can see my crazy dad in the water behind the falls (towards the right). Gave him an instant headache it was so cold!

Brooklyn tucked in and slept the entire time!

Until the very bottom, where she proceeded to fill a diaper - as in we had to throw away this lovely onesey she is wearing. Some things just aren't worth washing!

(Excuse her baldness, she was in a hat all day.)

And tonight, we went to Chilis and watched some more college football with Uncle Dusty! Does anyone else's husband go MIA when its football season? Or basketball? Or golf? Huh, just mine then? Okay, call me if you're bored as well!

Our princess started out with this stunned look.......

....then proceeded to bawl like we've never seen before. Literally, she cried all night! Too much fun = an overtired baby = difficulty falling asleep = frantic parents. We didn't know what to do! An hour later + a bottle (after only an hour without one) and she was finally asleep!

(This was actually at Gary and Susan's house on Sunday, but this is probably how she felt tonight!)

Better Late Than Never

2010-08-29T19:48:00.001-07:00

Dear Brooklyn,

Today was a special day - your blessing day. We have waited so long to celebrate your birth officially. Today that day finally came.

You have received countless blessing during your short little life. Minutes before you were born your Dad and my anesthesiologist gave me a blessing - blessing you with the strength and will to face the challenges ahead of you. Many tears were shed in that moment, wondering just how long you would get to live for those challenges. Just two days later, Grandpa Gary and Dad blessed you again, this time to grow up to be a healthy, happy girl. They reached through your isolette windows and placed just one finger each on your tiny head (because you were too tiny to fit even one hand). We stood in a semi circle around your bedspace, tears flowing freely. I was literally falling to pieces as I watched you struggle to breathe. That night still, so very much, gives me heart pains when I think about it.

Today your dad took you in his arms to give you yet another blessing - a name and a blessing. You were surrounded by 17 priesthood holders, each loving you as much as we do. What a sight to see, so many broad shouldered men, surrounding a sleeping baby in white. The sacredness and spirit felt was so strong it was almost touchable. I cried a few more tears today, so humbled and grateful for the power of the priesthood. The men that blessed you today hold keys that unlock miracles, you being one such miracle!

We are honored and humbled to be gifted with a miracle child. You give us happiness and joy every single day! We are so very grateful that you chose to fight against the odds to stay with us on earth - we will make it worth the journey for you as best we can!

We Love You!
Love, Mom and Dad

Partytime!

2010-08-26T20:49:00.001-07:00

Roger is the big 29 today!!!

It's your birthday?! Yay!

Dad is 29 today!

Excuse her baldness, the family tends to take off her bows as soon as they see her...

Happy birthday Roger! Love you!

(And a happy birthday to Devin today - love that both wives and husbands have the same birthdays...pretty sure heaven chuckled on that one.)

Clocking In

2010-08-23T20:34:00.000-07:00

I clocked into work for the first time in 6 weeks last night...

Such a bitterweet moment.

I was equally torn...between the two highlights of my life hanging out at home, and the cute kids I get to care for on my unit. I love what I do, and was excited to see my friends at work again. These reasons made the heartache I felt in leaving my family at home a little easier to swallow.

But I did tear up a bit on my drive in. Couldn't help myself. I cried with the rain, it matched my mood.

Such awful, yet miraculous memories at that place were waiting for me. I had to remind myself to hit the 3rd floor button instead of the 4th floor NICU. Each newborn cry I heard last night tugged at my heartstrings. Each parent I saw cuddling with their child, no matter how big or small, felt like deja vu. I recognized the fatigue I saw in their faces, the concern they felt for their son or daughter, the stress they were trying so well to hide. Little did they know just how close I could relate to their feelings and emotions.

I was also concerned for Roger, crossing my fingers he was getting some decent sleep!

I came home this morning to a wide eyed, smiling baby and a sleepy husband. Love them SO much. I missed them.

Brooklyn didn't do so well in the sleep department - Rog got up three times with her. Poor guy. Hopefully next shift will go better!

And just because she's cute (excuse my bias), some more pics for your enjoyment...

Brooklyn and Nicole, born within a week of each other. We're catching up!

Isn't Nicole adorable? She belongs to my cousin, Joel and his wife, Maranda. Maranda and Roger went to high school together.

But the Book Says.....

2010-08-17T14:17:00.001-07:00

I. am. so. tired. I underestimated how much work it is caring for a baby. Kudos to the parents out there with more than one kid.

Brooklyn has some sleep issues. As in she has no pattern whatsoever! Can't predict naps, can't predict nighttime, can't predict her routine yet. Some nights she sleeps for 5 hours, others she's up every 3 hours. And then there are those nights she wakes up at 2:00 and stays awake until 5:00!

Two nights ago was one of those nights. If I wasn't so annoyed, I'd laugh. Okay maybe I did laugh eventually. But I'll admit, I actually cried that night. I can't go back to work this weekend and expect Roger to function at work if she's pulling stunts like that!!

I'll just say it...having a baby is overwhelming and consumes your life. Would I change it? Never.

At 3:00am, I cuddled with her. Tucked her on my chest and under my chin. I adore this baby, so much more than I thought I would. Yes, sometimes I feel like she is out to ruin my life (or sleep life at least). I can't get anything done. Some days I feel like a total failure at this. Am I normal? Sure hope so!

But she is our miracle, our little gift sent straight from heaven to teach us what is important. I'll deal with her random sleeping for as long as it takes. But someone tell me if my clothes don't match in case I was too tired to notice. Or remind me to brush my hair after lying on the couch with her.

What she looked like at 4:00am...after being awake for 2 hours!

The time I finally got back into bed.

2010-08-12T09:15:00.000-07:00

Oh yes. She slept from ten until three. Who wants to party with me?!

And other fun....Cara came to visit and brought the Arizona sun and fun with her!! Her cute Grace was just two months old and tiny when I last saw her in March. So glad you came to visit Cara!

I've also figured out a system so I can actually be somewhat useful at home. Brooklyn is a bit high maintenance. As in, she has to be held if she's awake. Is this our fault? Definitely. Everytime we visited her in the NICU we held her for hours. Well, okay maybe just me. And I literally held her all day.

Well now she seems to think this should always be the pattern. So I put her in a little front pack this week and off we went. I even vacuumed and she slept through the whole thing!

But I still may have climbed back into bed with her this morning to get more sleep! Yes I'm a slug. :)

Summer Fun

2010-08-10T15:27:00.000-07:00

We've been having fun these days.

Walking around downtown........

Letting mom play dress up with me. (Love having a girl!)

And visiting the pool....

And of course, sleeping during the day instead of during the night. Did I mention Brooklyn woke up at 2:45 and didn't go back down until 6:00?!!! I'm at a total loss as to what I do with this girl!

2010-08-06T16:14:00.000-07:00

Wanted to cry, but took one look at myself in the mirror and burst out laughing. Then proceeded to send this picture to Roger, and my whole family. Gotta document the good times!

No, that is not throw-up. It's vitamins. I might have pushed down on the syringe too hard and proceeded to spray it everywhere. Thought I had wiped it off my face, but looked in the mirror to assess the damage and couldn't help myself. Out came the camera! You'll notice it's smeared on my chin and neck. And I've walked around all day today with it in my hair. Mom told me I stink. :)

But at least I didn't get it all over this cute outfit! Isn't my little sailor adorable?!

Full Circle

2010-08-05T16:20:00.001-07:00

Meet Owen, Brooklyn and Olivia!!!

We were due for another Beta dinner group awhile ago, but we've been a little busy!

All three of us may have been late, we're still figuring out how long it takes to get out the door with all of our stuff....sorry to make you wait Kristin!

Gina, Me and Trish...(all had our babies within months of each other - I screwed up the original spacing of six weeks of each other!)

Eating at our original meeting spot back in the good old Beta days - Noodles & Co on 4th South downtown!

Oh how I love my Beta friends! We're obviously missing a few people - next dinner group in Arizona or Pennsylvania??! :)

For Meg, who wanted some pics of the baby......

All recovered from our trip to the hospital! And she's nine pounds! I think Dr. Duffy was a little taken back when he saw her double chin, even after throwing up all weekend. Love it.

Still all smiles when she's falling asleep. Notice the lovely scratch on her cheek? I swear I clip her nails every few days!

Home Again

2010-08-02T15:04:00.001-07:00

We are home from the hospital. Can't believe we were there again. We laughed as we made the all too familiar drive back up to Primary's. You either laugh or cry. And I was fairly certain I'd be crying by the end of the night.

The ordeal started Saturday. She had been super fussy and whimpered all day. We thought she was constipated - gave her a suppository and it worked. She took a full bottle and took a nap. But her heart monitor was beeping high heartrate. ??? Normally she beeps low heartrate. A quick check and we realized she was on fire ... her temp was 39.2! Tylenol helped, but then she started vomiting everything she ate. A phone call to her pediatrician put us on the road to Primary's.

She looks glossy-eyed and fevered on the way. She was lethargic at this point.

The ER brought another sepsis work-up...blood and urine cultures, and another spinal tap. Yep, she bawled. So did I. I might have had some very angry prayers in those hours. Ya, not my best moments, but they tortured her that night. I have never felt so helpless, we couldn't do a single thing to make it easier for her.

"You have to do what to me?!" Doesn't this face say it all...

We were admitted to a room by 1:00am. IV antiobiotics were started to treat a presumed kidney infection. Today her urine cultures confirmed that diagnosis. The kidney reflux became a problem sooner than we anticipated!

Am I better yet mom and dad? Being in the hopsital is no fun!

I could have kissed her doctor this morning when they told us we could go home. The infant unit was great, but you get absolutely no sleep with a newborn between her feeding schedule and the hospital staff's routine. I have so much more empathy for my patients and their families!!

Really?! We get to go home? Yay!!

Now we're home and so grateful to be there. I'm covered in throw-up, poop (lovely diarrhea from the antibiotics she's on) and desperately need both a nap and a shower. So does she. She's super cuddly, won't let us put her down for more than thirty minutes. Oh the joys of a baby that doesn't feel well.

Anyone else tired from reading all of that?

Home Away From Home

2010-08-01T16:14:00.000-07:00

Yes, we're back at Primary Children's Hopsital.

Yes, it was unexpected.

Yes, she's okay.

Yes, we're upset.

Brooklyn has a kidney infection....a result of some kidney reflux we found out she has from Thursday's VCUG. She earned herself a bed on the infant unit for the weekend. We hopefully go home tomorrow morning.

Pictures and details to come tomorrow when I have access to my camera cord.

A Chocolate Dunford Donut and A Diet Pepsi

2010-07-29T10:53:00.000-07:00

Yes, these are my comfort foods. I may have gotten these two things almost every single day Brooklyn was in the NICU. I had to rotate between four different gas stations so I wouldn't be a 'regular' at just one place. And to save myself the embarrassment.

Today I got these two items again. Brooklyn had an ultrasound of her kidneys. Why? To look for kidney stones. She had high levels of calcium in her urine in the NICU, so this was a follow up visit. Ultrasound looked good, FYI.

But unknown to me, she was also scheduled for a VCUG. (CSU people know what this is.) They stuck a catheter up into her bladder to test for kidney reflux. I cringed when I found out we had to do this today. It is a painful test for any girl - you can only imagine how it feels watching them do it to your 8lb. baby. She's just so little!

My heart silently broke yet again as I watched big alligator tears come out of Brooklyn's eyes. Truly, there is no greater pain than watching those you love suffer. When it was all done and over I held her in the waiting room and whimpered right along with her. She fell asleep in my arms, totally exhausted from the ordeal.

I realized today that this area of life never gets better or easier. You can never stop caring for a child. Or spouse. Or anyone important to you. I recognized that my parents have loved me this same way for 26 years, and will continue to do so for the rest of my life. I'm grateful for that kind of love, it gets you through the tough times. I'm beginning to realize that this is how my Heavenly Father feels about me as well. As he feels for each and every single one of us.

Notice the bib...Yes, "thank heaven for little girls"!

In four weeks I go back to work. I'll walk through the doors at Primary Children's Hospital to serve a dual role...nurse and parent. I hope I can care for my patients and their families as well as we were cared for during our stay in this place of miracles. A broken heart leads to service with greater compassion and understanding. I'm sure I never would have chosen this trial if I had been given the choice. But I hope Roger and I can look back on this someday and recognize the lessons learned and the (hopefully) changes for the better we see in ourselves.

2010-07-27T10:33:00.000-07:00

Nothing big to report. just more fun at home. I have cabin fever from our 'quarantine' status, so I've made it a point to get out of the house once a day. Even if its just a trip to the gas station for a drink. But the picture below shows just what a pain it is to load this girl into the car.

Over the weekend we went up to Park City for some shopping, dinner and relaxing. Both of our families came with us. We visited Stein Erickson and wandered their beautiful grounds for fun.

Brooklyn and Grandpa Gary. Promise she had a bow, but the men in the Gardner family say babies shouldn't be wearing something that makes them look like a pineapple. Haha. Whatever, I'm the mom. She wears what I say she wears!

After our excursions we both need a nap. I set Brooklyn down after a Costco run (on a pillow - remember the reflux issue) and ran back to the car to grab the rest of our stuff. Came back in and she was sound asleep. So funny.

More sleeping.....

As you can see she is off her oxygen in most of these pics. We were told we could wean her as she tolerates it. I've hesitated for some reason. But she keeps pulling her stickers off her face, giving her some nasty skin breakdown. So that was reason enough! She mostly needs it when she sleeps - and only to help some dips in heartrate - not oxygen levels. She's not holding her breath, she just drops her heartrate in that phase of sleep between awake and deep sleep. And only when she's laying on her back. Weird.

We'd still love visitors!!

Reflections

2010-07-23T20:49:00.000-07:00

Tonight I looked at the pictures of this journey from start to end. Its hard to believe we went from this......

to this.......

We are exhausted, more than we ever imagined possible. Our nerves are fried from listening to her heart monitor every night. Our date nights turned into feeds at 7 and 10pm, then crossing our fingers for some decent sleep. My days are deemed good if I have showered by 10am. We have mooched off our neighbors and friends for meals since she came home. Our house is a total mess - how is it that babies come with so much stuff?

Today I had had enough. We had a rough day. Throwing up her morning feed from her dumb multivitamin, plus no afternoon nap = a tired mom. I handed her over to Roger tonight to rock to sleep.

And came back to our blog for a healthy dose of reality.

I'm teary as I sit here tonight. Our sweet baby is sleeping in the room next to me. I can't help but smile as I watch her cute little face sleeping away (finally). I listen to her breathe and the silence of her heart monitor and feel ever so grateful she is alive and home with us. Was it only two weeks ago we sat in dumbfounded silence as they told us she could come home?

She is our little miracle. How humbled and grateful I feel to be blessed with her. We love our little runt, on both good days and harder days!

Seriously.

2010-07-21T19:27:00.000-07:00

Seriously? We spend most of the day wearing only a diaper, or we change outfits at least twice. Plus blankets twice. And don't even get me started on the number of burp cloths we go through.

Why you ask?

Stupid multivitamins. And reflux.

She hates her vitamins. So do I!!

She smells like them, I smell like them, our house smells like them. She doesn't tolerate them very well - aka...she throws up. Always!! I've tried every trick in the book.

And the reflux? Always. Always. Always a problem. She fusses and fidgets until she's refluxed at least twice after each feed. Bother. We don't lose much of her feed, just enough to make a mess of both of us. Bibs you say? Oh that's right - we manage to miss at least once a day.

Cannot wait until we're off that yucky medicine!

But her eyes are a fun, huge blue!! Where in the world did she get blue eyes?!

Aaaaaw.

2010-07-20T12:16:00.000-07:00

Everybody say 'aaaaaw' with me. Can't help but grin on this one can ya? :)

Seriously mom, you're really making me wear this bow? It's as big as my head!

She forgave me as soon as she got a good nap in.

Some tummy time.......love a naked baby! You want to kiss their cute little chubby belly!

Watching a movie with dad. Or just doing what she does best (sleeping during the day instead of at night).

Brooklyn woke up at 5:30 this morning. After a bottle I tucked her in with Roger and made a run to Walmart. I came home to find this........ again, say "aaaaaaw" with me.

Having kids makes you do things you said you'd never do....

Like put your baby in your bed with you. Yes we do this. Only after 6:00am, but whatever. I'm desperate for the sleep.
Or go to Walmart at 6:00am because you don't have to load up your entire house just to buy some potatoes. Might have walked in there with no make up on and bed head. Hadn't even touched it. Really. I used to never leave my house without some form of make-up on, even if it was lipstick. I feel more confident if I feel somewhat decent looking. Haha, so much for that.
Don't visit me before noon. Or else you might find me a scary sight. TodayI walked around until noon with half of my hair ratted (yes all of you girls know what I'm talking about), half of my mascara done, and dressed halfway. That's what happens when your morning routine gets interrupted by a newborn.

Who wants to come visit us??!!! :)

Who Me?

2010-07-17T16:19:00.001-07:00

Yes sweetheart, you.

You gave us absolutely no sleep from 3:30-7:00 this morning. Why is it that you think this is the ideal time to play? Could ya switch it to daytime hours? Pretty please?

Last night's lack of sleep resulted in this picture....

And the previous night resulted in these.....

Our first outing? A trip to the pediatrician for follow up...this piglet is 7lbs 90z.!

'Dr. Duffy says we don't have to be hermits mom, can we go shop? Or to lunch?'

(Ha we wish! We're not confined to the house, but we have to "go slow". Any and all visitors are welcome, but Dr. Duffy says no kids for awhile.)

And some classics for ya.......

(still sleeps with both hands by her face)

You Know You're A Mom When...

2010-07-15T19:33:00.000-07:00

You put your baby in her swing, in your bathroom while you shower....just so you can wipe away the steam off the door and make sure she's still sleeping. And breathing. (I have the added benefit of her heart monitor on the counter in full view.)

You spend all day trying to get her to smile. And cry the day she smiles for real instead of it being a gas bubble.

You're catch yourself with your mouth open and head leaned back on the couch because you fell asleep while waiting for the baby's feed to settle - all so she won't throw up everything you just fed her. You also spend multiple nights on the couch sleeping with her so your exhausted husband can get some much needed sleep. (He gets the 5am shift because its your deep sleep time.)

You're giddy to put bows on your daughter! :)

You eat whatever is on the counter for breakfast because you are too distracted to make something. For me that would be a cupcake, a cookie, or some chocolate (yes people have brought us treats). Or you pull a stunt like I did this morning...eating a bowl of cereal, while pumping, and on hold with social security people - while the baby sleeps in her swing directly in front of you. Call me paranoid.

Brooklyn is acting more and more like a real newborn. She hardly has days where she has the preemie look anymore. But you could probably shine her bald head and see yourself in it if you wanted to! :)

Happy Days

2010-07-13T19:31:00.001-07:00

We love our smiley girl! :)

Yes I put this humongous bow on her. Couldn't resist.

She's sleeping on her side and on an angle to avoid throwing up and choking on it. Brooklyn still has some awesome reflux issues. She refluxed out her nose today - and went a pretty shade of blue. In the hospital they would wait and see if she recovered on her own (part of the criteria to come home). Today..no way. I pounded her on the back and blew in her face. It worked. :)

Meg getting in one last visit yesterday before flying home.

Brooklyn has her oxygen out of her nose more often than in it. Haha. :)

Aunt Michelle, notice the outfit? Love it. The swing, too. It allowed me to take a shower today.

Some more eye rolling before she falls asleep - also when she's the most smiley.

How'd night 2 go?

Awful. She was up every hour from midnight until five.

I ended up on the couch with her so Roger could get some decent sleep. She has her days and nights mixed up for sure. Ya, that would be your fault all 5 of our primary nurses! I'm calling you tonight at 3:00 when she wakes up again! J/K. :)

Have I said how much fun it is having her home? Might not have brushed my teeth until noon. Or showered until one. I still get nothing done - still completely fascinated!! :)

89 Days Later...

2010-07-12T10:57:00.001-07:00

She's home!!

Leaving our home away from home.....

We will forever be in their debt, they saved her life.

In the carseat, on the way home. Probably the MOST SILENT drive we've ever taken together. We were scared speechless.

Taking in her new surroundings...

Some visitors......

The "O" shape of her mouth means she's happy/content the therapist tell us. This does our hearts good.

Sorry I kept you up last night mom and dad. :)

Our first night???

Not so bad. Could have been worse. What was sleep again?

Brooklyn got up at 2:00am and 5:00 am. We were up until 2:00 anyway listening to her breathe and listening for her monitor to go off. I think we both flew out of bed about 8 times, just to have the monitor stop beeping as we were standing up to run into her room. Lovely.

Overall? We. Are. Thrilled. (And a little sleepy today.....)

A Checklist

2010-07-10T09:45:00.000-07:00

Coming home outfit - check.

Room ready, crib put together, bedding washed - check.

Home oxygen delivered - check.

Our peace of mind (aka - oxygen monitor) - check.

Brooklyn comes home tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(We're terrified.) :)

Lazy Days

2010-07-07T17:59:00.000-07:00

I love summertime. The days are longer, its warm enough to sit outside until bedtime.

Love that some days in an ICU feel as quiet as the day outside is.

Like father, like daughter...

Summer also means celebrating our freedom - also Roger's favorite holiday!

Summer also means rounding up the softball season. These three brothers have provided us with great entertainment the last few months.

And because I told them they would be on our blog by tonight, here are two more of our favorite primary nurses, Chris and Katie.

Brooklyn likes sleeping away the days as well. I finally caught her "eye rolling" on camera. You'd think she was awake here, but she's actually not. Love my balding baby, receding hair line and all!! :)

What Should Have Been

2010-07-06T18:42:00.000-07:00

Notice the sidebar? The countdown if officially gone.

Today was Brooklyn's due date.

Sad.

Happy Birthday!!

2010-07-01T16:31:00.000-07:00

To Me, Meg and Dani!

We're all celebrating in different states today, but it sure is fun to know we're all one year older together!

My birthday picture today. Pretty sure its not either one of our most fattering pictures, but whatever. After the pics I posted of my four chins the night this cutie was born, my pride was out the window from then on.

Post pregnany has not been nice to my hair. And I didn't have much to work with in the first place. Oh well.

I've missed her. I've been out of town, and sick. Hence the lack of posts. I woke up this morning giddy that I finally got to see her today!

(Last week, prior to our visit to Roger's family reunion over the weekend....)

Brooklyn is obviously still in the NICU. Bummer. She's now gone two days without a spell, but as you can tell still on both oxygen and flow. She's not quite ready to start cooperating with us. Love her, but I'm getting the feeling she's gonna be a hellian when she's two!

I think we're looking at another two or three weeks up there. Blah. But I don't want to bring her home in her current status. It's no fun to hold or even touch a newborn that is so sensitive...for example - I changed her diaper today and her knees were pushed into her stomach enough to make her reflux and gag. She, of course, held her breath and did her usual stunt for us. But this time she self-recovered. Finally. I was also holding her, not even moving her, and she proceeded to drop her heartrate and oxygen, without any change in color! Seriously?! I'm not bringing home a baby that is that sensitive.

So we'll continue to enjoy our full night sleep for now. And Brooklyn will continue to be in constant timeout. :)

Love that girl!

Elder Chris

2010-06-24T20:22:00.000-07:00

WELCOME HOME ELDER GARDNER!!!

How Are You Doing?

2010-06-24T19:53:00.001-07:00

Roger and I get asked this question a lot. Thank you for asking, we appreciate your concern for us. Our answer? We're good when Brooklyn is good...so most days we're good.

Today we're good.

But I use this blog to be as honest as I feel is appropriate for online information. So tonight will be an honest one. Tonight I am running the full spectrum of emotions.

I'm tired. As in I need sleep. I didn't realize how much so until I got into my car after work tonight and realized I was physically running on empty. I cried on the way home, I'm sure from sheer exhaustion.

I'm grateful. For my job... if you can believe that during our current circumstances. I thought it would be terrible working and knowing she was right above me. But I feel so comforted knowing she is so close in case there were an emergency. I'm also grateful for the distraction it gives me. I have no choice but to focus on my patients, I'm caring for someone else's son or daughter - I can empathize with them more than they realize. Work also allows me to pass the time quicker. How sad that I say that, but Brooklyn is in a rough stage. We're literally watching her grow. And it is the slowest most frustrating process to watch.

She's still holding her breath, maybe once or twice a day. Bother.

I'm frustrated. Maybe that's not the right word. But its that feeling you have when you plop your elbows on the table, put your chin in your hands, and give a big sigh. Do you get what I mean? I woke up at 4:30 this morning so I could visit with the baby before the NICU kicked me out at 6:30 for shift change. My shift started at 7:00. So I had a half an hour to think. I sat in the pumping room across from the NICU and felt so blah. I am so tired of the waiting.

I'm sad that that little peanut has never seen the sun. Or heard any other sound besides the NICU room she's spent 10 weeks in. I'm sad that she's constantly being bugged. And I'm amazed that she would still be in me for another week and a half had she stayed in and incubated longer. Her birth feels like it was forever ago. Wow.

I'm grateful for what life has given us. For the little miracles and gifts we have been blessed with these last few months. I'm still in awe that she belongs to us. The days have dragged by, but the weeks have flown by.

So tonight, I'm going to take a tub (yes I know its so blasted hot outside, but tubs destress me), watch some tv, have a good long catch up talk with Roger, and cuddle on the couch before bed. I've slacked on being a good spouse these last few weeks, so tonight I'm focusing on the other most important person in my life.