I know it's a week past Mothers Day. But it's a holiday I don't want to skip for more than one reason. I've had lots of thoughts rolling around in my head and knew they deserved a post. So bear with me on this one, it may be long.
Everyone does a tribute to their mom. So will I. But it's also Roger's first without his mom. And it was a sad holiday. Also because her birthday was the day before the holiday.
We spent an afternoon with Roger's family at Susan's grave....seeing her beautiful tombstone and releasing balloons with notes on them. Rough day. I cannot begin to tell you how difficult it is to see Roger cry. And he always manages to do it when we're in the car. So I sit there, holding his hand, without a clue as to what I say to make him feel better, while he tries to keep it together enough to see while he's driving. And usually Brooklyn starts to cry too because she always cries when someone else does. Just because. Bless that angel girl of ours.
We sure do miss Susan. There is such an intense void without her. I feel sort of lost without her in my life. I can't imagine how Rog feels. I wish I had taken more pictures with her and of her. Regret is a killer. So is cancer....so all of you go get a physical!
Brynlee's blessing day - 2 months before Susan passed away. She looks amazing. You'd never know her chest was full of cancer and slowly suffocating her. Also the very first picture we have of Brynlee smiling. Meant to be? I think so.
I have lots of pictures of my mom, but none currently on my phone that she would approve of. And this blog post only has pictures from my phone because I upload while I pump at work....it's my only uninterrupted time in my life it feels like. So sorry mom. Love you.
My mom. She has set the bar very high. Now that I'm (almost) 29 with two small kids of my own I wonder how she came out so calm and organized, and looking pretty, after 4 kids. Girls, too! I can't seem to get a grip on my life, but I don't remember her ever acting frazzled. My mom is great. Roger and I are living with my parents temporarily right now (for lots of reasons that are long and complicated) and she thinks its no big deal having 4 extra people invading her house. Oh, plus Meg and Beau have been there too up until this week. And Callie. It's a party at the Firth household. Anyone want to sleepover? I'm sure we could find you a couch or something. Back to my mom now. I'm putting it on the internet Mom how much I love and admire you. Please forgive my weaknesses. Thanks for being you. For your example and friendship. Don't change. And stick around a long long time okay? My 18 year old heart can't handle losing my mom....once a kid always a kid!
Now for my own role as a mom.
So much of motherhood has surprised me. I have many thoughts on this phase of life. And because so much is going around right now about 'keeping it real' I thought I'd add my two cents.
Second only to finding and marrying Roger, motherhood was next on my list in life. Like a lot of women, I wanted this more than anything. How grateful I am to be mom to these two sweet girls.....
Brooklyn (3), Brynlee (7 months)
Brooklyn gave me the title of mom. Love love love her. Isn' she pretty?
Motherhood. So much to say about it. Good, bad, funny, frustrating, stressful, fun, .... and the list could go on and on.
For me motherhood feels very chaotic. I choose what I say carefully because I don't want to give the impression that I don't like being a mom. Because I would literally give my life for these kids and all that comes with them!
But life is about 'keeping it real'. And blogs tend to portray a perfect life at times. And we all need reminders that no one has the perfect life. So with smiles, giggles and some tears along the way here are my thoughts/memories of motherhood so far....
- Kids are so so busy. Most morning I do not get to shower alone. Brooklyn usually is in there with me so I can avoid her pushing her sister over or mauling her.
- I get up at 8:30ish, spend the next 3 hours getting all 3 of us ready for the day/making beds/cleaning up the house, just to look at the clock and realize it's 1:00 and time to start the feeding routine again. Oh and I've usually nursed twice by this point.
- Brooklyn puts me in tears at least twice a month from her 'toddlerness'. I've cried over her tendency to push other kids and her rebellious moments multiple times. I do not know what to do with her.
- As my dad calls it, I'm still doing the 'European thing"..aka nursing. I'm pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoy it. I'm sort of sad Brynlee is 8 months this coming week and I'm on a 4 month countdown to being done.
- Brooklyn is officially potty-trained. I can't decide if I need to laugh or cry. Probably both. Seeing her little self on a potty is just so weird. But the poop I cleaned out of her pants tonight at dinner?...not so funny. Guess our success rate isn't quite 100%.
- Some days I have a ball with these girls (like today...we went on a bike ride AND cleaned the bathroom. In my eyes a successful day!). Other days I'm watching the clock for it to be 8:00pm and Brooklyn is asleep for the night. She's hard. Fun and cute, but a handful. I get asked "Mom? Whatcha doin'? at least 50 times a day. (Insert a laugh, a smile, and an eye roll all at once!)
- I work full time. 3 graveyard shifts a week. Let's 'keep it real' for a minute on this one. I work fulltime right now to keep us out of debt while Roger's business gets on its feet. I work nights to avoid daycare. But I sacrifice a LOT of sleep. It has affected my health and my ability to funtion in all areas of my life. This is probably why motherhood feels a little hard for me at times. I am severly sleep deprived. But I won't give up this schedule. Roger and I decided together to make this work for our family. So some days I crash at the end of the day like Brynlee does.......
......and some days I spend time getting pictures where neither girl will cooperate with me.
But I love this life I've been blessed with. Motherhood is an honor. It's so hard, so hard, so hard. Gosh it's hard. Maybe I'm not great at it, maybe I am. Guess it depends on the day. Or the hour. But I look at these girls and feel the burden Roge and I carry for their happiness, their survival in this world, their futures.
I love and adore them both. So despite the very 'real' moments of motherhood, I can genuinely tell myself Happy Mothers Day....because that is what these girls mean to me......happiness.
To each of you, whether you have kids or not, Happy Mothers Day a bit late. Thank you for all you do!
