|Getting ready for our ward trunk-or-treat this past weekend.|
Five weeks old.
I have struggled. Honest? Yes. Am I ashamed to admit that? Kind of. Do I have more 'frustrating' days than good days? Yep.
How do I describe my day to day life without sounding ungrateful? Or whiny? Or simply selfish? Or truly offending the women who would give ANYTHING to have our two wonderful girls?
This is an honest post. Please, if you may hate me for reading this, then don't read anymore. I'm feeling the need to put this on paper so that in a couple of years when we decide we're ready for another baby I can come back and remember these first weeks at home. And remember that it gets easier, that the baby becomes a toddler in a blink of an eye, that sleep will happen again someday, that I'll figure out my routine eventually.
I had a vision for my weeks at home from work. I pictured a constant party, shopping, going to lunch, spending oodles of time with Roger and enjoying every single minute with my angel daughters. Reality is not that at all. I think I'm a fairly organized person. I like to be showered and dressed everyday. Before noon. I like a clean house (as much as I can with a 2 year old). I like to get out of the house every single day to help with my cabin fever. These days I just try to remember to rotate which couch cushion I sit on for each feed to avoid a permanent indent of my bum on the same cushion. I've had a stye in my eye for a week now from such chronic lack of sleep. I'm short tempered with Roger. I'm even more short tempered with Brooklyn.
And lets just discuss bodily fluids. Enough said.
And hormones. My poor family on those rougher hormonal days.
I'm pretty sure I packed up both kids yesterday, drove half an hour to my mom's house, and sat at her kitchen table in tears telling her that I didn't like my kids. Today I can whole heartedly take that statement back, but I had been up literally every 2 hours the night before with Brynlee and I was exhausted. She thinks she's starving I swear.
I think I'm struggling with some feelings of inadequacy. You'd think being home all day, everyday, that my house would be spotless, my toddler dressed cute with her hair done everyday, my laundry put away the day it was washed, dinner on the table every night and myself freshened up and happy when Roger comes home from work. Instead, I have six, yes six, loads of laundry currently waiting to be folded and put away. The bottle of bathroom cleaner sat on the counter for five days while I guiltily looked past it everyday because I didn't have time or energy to finish cleaning my bathrooms. My baby is ultra fussy when she's ready for sleep despite the fact that I went off caffeine. (Withdrawal here I come. Danget.) Which means I find myself holding a baby with one hand, fending off Brooklyn with the other, and attempting to do whatever task is at hand in between. I'm also feeling guilty that Brooklyn is strugging, too. She's still a happy sweet girl, but is having some hitting, biting and spitting issues. But please still come visit us, its usually just me and Roger getting this treatment. And every once in awhile Brynlee does too. How do I fix that behavior by the way?!
BUT, yes here comes the but in all of this....
I find myself in tears, too, with how lucky I feel to have these two girls to care for, to love, to watch grow. Brynlee is already huge. When did that happen? I blinked (or probably fell asleep sitting up, haha) and now she's in clothes at 5 weeks old that Brooklyn didn't wear for three months after coming home from the NICU. She has three chins (guess she's getting enough calories from me after all!). Brooklyn is so darn cute with the baby, too. She literally kisses her a hundred times a day. She is really gentle with her. Roger is my saving grace in this as well. How can I not admit that he's taken the brunt of my frustration. I go to bed early if I can and I'm no fun to be around because I'm ornery by the end of the day. I'm sure he looks forward to going to work to get away from me for the day. Poor guy. If my house is ever clean these days its because he did the cleaning for me.
Five weeks old. I need to find my balance. Hence the title of the post. I haven't nailed down what works for me, for my kids, for my husband, for the ever so sensitive 'balance' in my life. It's coming, I can feel each day getting easier. I just worry I will look back and regret how I treated my darling toddler during these weeks I'm trying to figure 'me' out. Or that Roger will give me back to my parents, haha! Or even worse that I won't have taken enough pictures of Brynlee during these first weeks of her life to remember the good days.
So there it is. My too honest post of my struggles right now. Someone please tell me I'm normal. That I'm not a horrible person for admitting to what I just posted above. Now I'm going to bed and will kick myself tomorrow for putting this out there for all to see.