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| Getting ready for our ward trunk-or-treat this past weekend. |
Five weeks old.
I have struggled. Honest? Yes. Am I ashamed to admit that? Kind of. Do I have more 'frustrating' days than good days? Yep.
How do I describe my day to day life without sounding ungrateful? Or whiny? Or simply selfish? Or truly offending the women who would give ANYTHING to have our two wonderful girls?
This is an honest post. Please, if you may hate me for reading this, then don't read anymore. I'm feeling the need to put this on paper so that in a couple of years when we decide we're ready for another baby I can come back and remember these first weeks at home. And remember that it gets easier, that the baby becomes a toddler in a blink of an eye, that sleep will happen again someday, that I'll figure out my routine eventually.
I had a vision for my weeks at home from work. I pictured a constant party, shopping, going to lunch, spending oodles of time with Roger and enjoying every single minute with my angel daughters. Reality is not that at all. I think I'm a fairly organized person. I like to be showered and dressed everyday. Before noon. I like a clean house (as much as I can with a 2 year old). I like to get out of the house every single day to help with my cabin fever. These days I just try to remember to rotate which couch cushion I sit on for each feed to avoid a permanent indent of my bum on the same cushion. I've had a stye in my eye for a week now from such chronic lack of sleep. I'm short tempered with Roger. I'm even more short tempered with Brooklyn.
And lets just discuss bodily fluids. Enough said.
And hormones. My poor family on those rougher hormonal days.
I'm pretty sure I packed up both kids yesterday, drove half an hour to my mom's house, and sat at her kitchen table in tears telling her that I didn't like my kids. Today I can whole heartedly take that statement back, but I had been up literally every 2 hours the night before with Brynlee and I was exhausted. She thinks she's starving I swear.
I think I'm struggling with some feelings of inadequacy. You'd think being home all day, everyday, that my house would be spotless, my toddler dressed cute with her hair done everyday, my laundry put away the day it was washed, dinner on the table every night and myself freshened up and happy when Roger comes home from work. Instead, I have six, yes six, loads of laundry currently waiting to be folded and put away. The bottle of bathroom cleaner sat on the counter for five days while I guiltily looked past it everyday because I didn't have time or energy to finish cleaning my bathrooms. My baby is ultra fussy when she's ready for sleep despite the fact that I went off caffeine. (Withdrawal here I come. Danget.) Which means I find myself holding a baby with one hand, fending off Brooklyn with the other, and attempting to do whatever task is at hand in between. I'm also feeling guilty that Brooklyn is strugging, too. She's still a happy sweet girl, but is having some hitting, biting and spitting issues. But please still come visit us, its usually just me and Roger getting this treatment. And every once in awhile Brynlee does too. How do I fix that behavior by the way?!
BUT, yes here comes the but in all of this....
I find myself in tears, too, with how lucky I feel to have these two girls to care for, to love, to watch grow. Brynlee is already huge. When did that happen? I blinked (or probably fell asleep sitting up, haha) and now she's in clothes at 5 weeks old that Brooklyn didn't wear for three months after coming home from the NICU. She has three chins (guess she's getting enough calories from me after all!). Brooklyn is so darn cute with the baby, too. She literally kisses her a hundred times a day. She is really gentle with her. Roger is my saving grace in this as well. How can I not admit that he's taken the brunt of my frustration. I go to bed early if I can and I'm no fun to be around because I'm ornery by the end of the day. I'm sure he looks forward to going to work to get away from me for the day. Poor guy. If my house is ever clean these days its because he did the cleaning for me.
Five weeks old. I need to find my balance. Hence the title of the post. I haven't nailed down what works for me, for my kids, for my husband, for the ever so sensitive 'balance' in my life. It's coming, I can feel each day getting easier. I just worry I will look back and regret how I treated my darling toddler during these weeks I'm trying to figure 'me' out. Or that Roger will give me back to my parents, haha! Or even worse that I won't have taken enough pictures of Brynlee during these first weeks of her life to remember the good days.
So there it is. My too honest post of my struggles right now. Someone please tell me I'm normal. That I'm not a horrible person for admitting to what I just posted above. Now I'm going to bed and will kick myself tomorrow for putting this out there for all to see.
7 comments:
i was SO RIGHT THERE 3 months ago.! with wyatt being only 18 months and adding a new baby.. to say it was rough was an understatement. i fully understand the baby in one hand while fending off the head-strong toddler, the messy house, the 6 loads of laundry, and the tears from all three of us.. it was such a hard transition. but i'm here to tell you, i barely remember it. (i'd like not to, but this post brought me back). crew is 6 months on monday and i swear he was the fussiest baby til 3 months, now he's my angel baby. it will get better... SO MUCH BETTER. if you ever need a shoulder to cry on.. i'm so right here. i thought going back to work was going to be sad, but it's been my saving grace.. and yes, we still have "days" but they're few and far between. hang in there ash.. you're not inadequate, just tired, remember??
I love your honesty. This was totally me too! Greg even asked me to rotate where I sit on the couch cause I was leaving a butt mark! -pretty sure I cried over that! I think having two kids is SO HARD. I'll be sure to come back and read your post when I'm thinking about a third! (which will be in a long, long time!) :)
You are completely and totally normal and I just wish I could give you a big hug and take your girls so you could nap! When Miles was born, I was so excited to have a healthy baby and I was just positive that it would be so much easier. Boy was I wrong! He was so colicky and cried all the time. My house was a wreck (actually... it still is. He is 5 months now and we are still working on it!) and I was a wreck. We were attending a wedding when Miles was 6 weeks old in SLC and had planned to have a fun few days of vacation while we were there. Bad idea. I was still a sleep deprived and emotional wreck and I ended up sobbing in the car hysterical while my baby screamed in his car seat, Grant sat still looking scared, and my poor husband just tried to figure out anything he could do to "fix" it. Hormones combined with newborns combined with no sleep is an absolute recipe for disaster.
I wish I had a magic answer for how and when it gets better, but I don't. For us, Miles hit 3 months and stopped crying all the time. I started some serious sleep training with him (I checked out every book from the library I could!), I started sending Grant out with Dad at night for some quality time while I tried to do something other than nurse and feel like a zombie. We got Miles a new white noise machine and a very loud fan (the louder the better)to help extend his daytime naps, and I changed my expectation of what made for a good day. Hang in there. It will get better. Reassure your husband that you will start to feel better soon and love him for picking up the slack while you heal. You just had a baby and 5 months later, I am just now starting to feel like I am getting in my groove where things are predictable. We also stay home a LOT since I have learned that the key to a happy baby is consistent sleeping and that means that I feel a little cabin fevered, but it is ok. Hugs!!
Alli
oh you are so normal ;) if anyone says otherwise they are lying!
SO, I blog-hopped to see cute pictures of your wee one... and saw this post. {just don't think I'm a stalker or anything}
I will be the first to tell you that I HATE HATE HATE the first three months of having a newborn. Generally, the first 6 weeks are the hardest (just in time to go back to work of course... another frustration) and I will also tell you that I've never nursed longer than 8 days and I still am not a huge fan of those first few months.
Right now, you are in survival mode, which is doing whatever it takes to get through the day. IF that means a messy house and no shower... then that's what it means. We've all been there (even though some appear to not... and I just tell myself they're liars... he he) My baby is 2.5 years and I still sometimes have 6 loads of laundry waiting to be folded!!
Side note: I've heard that "biters" are kids showing their agression because they don't know how to communicate that they are frustrated/jealous/need attention, etc. Take that however you want... since I've also heard that biting them back seems to do the trick??
Good luck and if you need anything please let me know... I'm just down the street!
oh cute girl! life with two kids is really a rough transition. you are absolutely, preaching to the choir on this one!! you are positively normal and before you know it you will be back in your groove. i promise! in the mean time, give yourself a lot of breathing room. one of the best things i did when i had weston was accepting that i needed to give myself "a break" and not be so hard on myself. you are a good mama and have two darling girls! i promise, promise, promise that it will get better!!!
Hang in there! You are not at all alone on this one!!! It's such an adjustment and challenge. My 3 are 4,3,and 2 now and I feel like I don't have it figured out. Each stage brings new challenges and trials, but also brings with it sweet joys! Your kids don't care if you have loads of laundry (at least that's what I tell myself with my piles and piles upstairs waiting to be folded and put away). Some days and weeks if my kids have been fed and are alive I consider it to be a successful day. I just had to adjust my expectations a bit! In time you will adjust to the chaos! Things may not get easy, but it will be the new normal and that will become ok. You are amazing!!!!
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