A Diet Pepsi and a Cupcake

This time I'm celebrating, so I had to switch up the dunford donut for a cupcake. The Sweet Tooth Fairy cupcakes to be exact. They're heavenly. Danget.

Brooklyn had her first neonatal followup visit today. This is a pretty intense visit, it took us over three hours! We see them about four times over a five year timespan. They evaluate everything from weight and height, to her sleeping and eating habits...all of her milestones.

We learned a few things:

• She's a very "social" baby. This caught me funny, I had to giggle as we got in the car. Of course she's social people, she a girl! And is the granddaughter of two very social grandmas! It might have helped that she gave smiles out like they were candy. Yes, her docs may have been men - way to flirt it up Brooklyn!
• She's chubby for a preemie. She is in the 75% for weight had she been born on time. Guess she's eating just fine.
• All major body systems are funcioning properly (with the exception of the kidney reflux - but we're crossing our fingers she'll outgrow it by age 5).
• She's a great sleeper...I guess sleeping for 12 hours at night (at this point for a preemie) is not the norm. But we've never been the norm, right?
• Developmentally, both physically and cognitively, she's right on track. Should be caught up to her real age vs adjusted age by age 2.
• She is a very lucky little girl. Very lucky indeed.

I do have 'sting nose' a bit as I write this. Today I was surrounded by children and families in our exact situation. We chatted and compared stories as we waited out turns to see the various doctors. So many of the babies we met weren't as lucky as we were. I saw all too familiar oxygen tanks, feeding tubes, monitors just like ours (and beeping like crazy), and worn out parents. But grateful parents...for the miracles we were all bouncing and pacing the halls with.

I was nervous for this appointment. I had a knot in my stomach as I went to bed last night. Maybe from some real nervousness, maybe just a residual effect of the stress of the NICU. But I left there today so grateful for our baby and how well she sailed through her journey.

She has only two scars to prove she was so early....one on her nose from the Cpap causing breakdown, and a purple mark on her right knee. This may be a birthmark, or it may be an extremely deep bruise from birth. Her admission note to the NICU stated she was "a severely bruised infant, covering her torso, shoulders, legs and face". I'm sure the fact that she was a footling breech and face down contributed to all of the bad bruising.

This visit reminded me of the "waiting" we did for 13 weeks. It was awful. I don't think I will ever adequately be able to describe what it feels like to just simply "wait". For weight gain, for getting off the ventilator, for time to pass, for test results that never end. I think this is what gave me the "I can't breath very well" feeling 24/7. The waiting and wondering never went away. 13 weeks of that kind of stress, the kind that makes you feel like you have a piano on your chest, will do permanent damage to a person. I don't think I will ever be a patient person, as ashamed as I am to admit it. I do NOT do well with the kind of thing. In hindsight, I've never seen myself so broken, so zombielike (though I did my best to hide it). And I've never felt closer to my husband than during those months. We had no one to cry to everyday but each other. He saved me, literally, everyday from succumbing to a complete and total breakdown from the worry for our daughter's life and future.

I hope and pray we will not have to do this again. Yes, we want more children. Yes, I would take on a preemie again if I had to. Of course I would. But for now, I'm going to go hug the baby that is sleeping in her crib in the next room that now lets me smile proudly (as every parent does) that she belongs to us!