Disclaimer: For the parents out there that read our blog that have children that get to visit the doctor a lot for whatever reason....this post is going to be an honest one. Please don't be offended by my honesty. I know tomorrow when I reread what I've written I'll be feeling the need to personally find each and every one of you and apologize for my 'woe is me' moment. I know our situation could be SO MUCH WORSE than what it actually is. But you know me, I do posts like this when I'm upset. So here goes...Doctors and I have a love-hate relationship. Can't live without them, but wish I could. Yep, today was another doctor visit. You know you've done too many of them when your nine month old (today!) starts to scream as soon as they weigh her. I hate shots. I hate that they make her cry. I hate that she looks at me when they do it...and I'm unable to take the hurt away. Blasted shots.
Brooklyn has had lots of them lately. Due to her 'unique birth', she qualifies for RSV shots once a month until April. I preach this stuff and recognize its importance. But I still hate the irony of our situation. I have worked as a pediatric nurse for 5 years and always thought "no big deal". It's just 'this' or 'that'....they're lucky they are able to receive such great medical care.
I totally agree.
But does anyone ever tell you the heartache that medical care will cost you? Do they count each and every tear you child has cried? Or your tears for that matter? I never knew what it would be like to be on the other end. And it's awful. And to make me feel even worse?....
IT'S ALL MY FAULT.
Now to all the kind souls that will try to talk me out of this belief. Thank you. And I know to some degree you're probably right. But this 'unique' situation is my fault by default. Her pain and suffering from the start was my fault. I brought her into this world too early. No idea why, but still my fault because I'm the woman. I carry the babies. And I deliver them.
I detest that we aren't 'normal'. Today Dr. Duffy signed us up for Early Intervention to help Brooklyn bridge the developmental gap between her 'due date' and her 'actual birthdate'. I left sad and upset. Does this mean my child isn't normal or won't be normal? Not one bit. And I know that. But I don't want to be 'one of those families' that gets to visit the Dr a lot. I just don't. It makes me sad and angry. But still grateful - always grateful we have access to this kind of care.
Our baby is a sweet, smiley, happy little girl. I don't want to take this away from her. I don't want her to be afraid of strangers because of what they might do to her. And I hate hate hate to see her cry. Gosh I hate it, so much. Really, you don't even know. Maybe that day in the NICU when she silently cried (on the vent remember?) traumatized me. Probably so. And I need to get over my issues with that stuff. But I'm having a hard time people. And our stay was relatively smooth! What am I going to do if we have to do this again?! What if its worse?! And what if its my fault...again?
I think I'll get another donut and diet pepsi today.
6 comments:
I smile and empathize right along with you. Shots stink. Doctors are wonderful, but really...can't someone else be the one always at the office? Synagis is FABULOUS (this is season 3 we have had it!) but even when I remind myself of that, nothing can psyche me up for going in and then watching my son not use his legs for the next 36 hours because they hurt (not to mention the sheer COST of the shots. Yikes!). I am actually really surprised that Brooklyn didn't get a referral for early intervention sooner...it is a pain to have weekly appointments and all that, but they are really FABULOUS! It is so nice to have another trained professional who gets to know and love your child. They see kids all the time and have been awesome resources to me for all kinds of concerns. Grant actually gets really excited every time his PT comes by because he is such a great playmate! It stinks to have to be the parent of a child with special needs, but you are in a great position because she is your first and she will make you an expert on development for all future kids (at least that is what I tell myself!). Isn't blogging therapeutic? I don't think that anyone can disagree with you, though there is always someone who is worse off, but that doesn't matter. She is yours and you are entitled to emotions.... and Diet Pepsi! :)
Please remember I'm here for you! Sending love your way!
I understand your frustrations, fears, and feellings of guilt.
I haven't taken Zoey to her peditrition since November. Why? Cause I am so sick and tired of it! Seriously, this makes me sound like a terrible mother, cause she needs her synagis shot, but I just can't bring myself to do it again...yet. I have told myself that I NEED to do it this week, but I have told myself that for several weeks now. Really, this week I am going to do it though. Sigh.
I know how you feel! Just know as a Mom with a 3 year-old with special needs, early intervention is a HUGE blessing!! :) You (and your sweet Brooklyn) love it! You're an amazing mom-
It is hard huh? I had to the go to the doctor lots thing with my boy. Then Monday my older daughter goes in for a T&A... which I know is a no big deal surgery and I have been freaking out! Everything is different when it's your kid!!! Hugs to you! You are such a cute mom!!
I understand everything your saying! Yes, other people out there are worse off than us, BUT this is OUR reality and this is OUR normal. There isn't a day that goes by that I wish Alida didn't have to wear the oxygen and that she was a "normal" kid. But that wouldn't be Alida. That would be someone else's child. I'm so very proud and happy to have Alida but I do wish she came with less doctors and no oxygen. I do wish I didn't have to take her in for a Cardiologist appt, GI appt, Pulm appt, ENT appt, Peds appt, sleep study, GI study and ect.....I wish she didn't have to get that stupid synergist shot that is suppose to help keep her out of the hospital, I wish I didn't have to change her dots or give her meds morning and night, I wish I didn't have to put her on the monitor for hours at a time to make sure she is alright, I wish I could let her run and play like a normal toddler without being hooked up to an oxygen tank and tubing, but that is MY normal and although other kids have it worse out there I can still want my child to be normal and to not have to go through any of this extra pain. I wish I could take Brooklyn's and your pain away, but then we wouldn't learn what ever we are suppose to learn from these challenges. Your a great Mom and Brooklyn is a wonderful daughter who loves you to pieces and in the end that is all that matters. :::::hugs::::::
Post a Comment