Grief

They say grief comes in stages. It involves many emotions that you may cycle through more than once. Since that horrible night I think I've been numb, in shock, in denial, whatever you want to call it. I couldn't cry after they flew her to Primary's. I put a smile on my face and went through each day in my own hospital room in a haze. I ached to see her, to see with my own eyes she was alive.



Roger. My sweet husband. My constant in this trial. He cried for me, kept me updated when he went to see her six hours after birth. He held me and hugged me, knowing eventually I'd break. The below picture is about 12 hours after delivery. My smile is pasted on, and we're both exhausted.

They let me go home yesterday. Finally. I brought home my flowers and took a picture of my own little floral shop. (Many thanks again for those, they brought a ray of sunshine into our dark days.)

So back to the subject of grief. The part where I knew I'd break came last night. Roger gave our daughter a blessing with the help of his dad last night. And I all out lost it. Couldn't stop crying. My shattered heart was all over the floor. The blessing was beautiful and promised good things. Now its up to us to have faith in those promises. But I sobbed and sobbed anyway. I cried the entire ride home. I cried when we finally climbed into bed and Roger held me close. I cried for my baby who was suffering as they put the ventilator back down her throat. I cried this morning at 5:00am as I got up to pump. I sat on the floor of our living room with swollen eyes and wondered how I even had that many tears in me. I cried again when I climbed back into bed and Roger held my hand in the dark.

Grief...how do you prepare for such a thing?

I also realized I am so very angry. Bitter, upset and angry. I feel so cheated. We don't get to enjoy the "firsts". Roger has never been exposed to a preemie, and he's missing out on precious moments because she'll be in a hospital for months. I feel this little girls grandparents are cheated. My parents have done this three times before (Meg and I were 30 weekers, Callie was a 27 weeker). Haven't we had our share? Sweet Susan and Gary, my cute in laws...they took it all in stride seeing her for the first time in her little incubator last night. Thank you Gary for assisting Roger with the blessing.

I feel this precious little soul is being cheated. Is she suffering? Is she in pain? I know without a doubt Heavenly Father is comforting her and sending guardian angels to watch over her. But my heart aches like it never has before to see her being poked and prodded.

I feel guilty. What did I do that caused her to come early? Will we ever know? Is it my fault? Should I have done something different? Is my pain tolerance high enough that it took dilating to an 8 to get me to the hopsital? Could they have stopped my labor if I had gone in sooner? These thoughts eat away at me. But I know what's done is done and I have to move on with hope and faith that she will pull through despite my faults.

But - I also can see some humor in this whole thing. I giggled as we walked into her room last night and saw her looking like this:

She looks like an elf with some serious stylish glasses. Notice the chin strap? Yah, that lovely thing is holding up her double chin so the Cpap won't come right back out her mouth. So funny. She looks so comfy here, all nestled in her bed and chillin under the bili lights. Such a cute little squirt huh? Oh how we love her!



Again, thank you to everyone who has supported us in every possible way. It's humbling to be on the receiving end of a situation like this. We are overwhelmed and so deeply grateful for your love and prayers.

P.S... We named her Brooklyn. :)