Friday, April 23, 2010

Trust

Roger and I make two phone calls everyday up to the hospital. One when we wake up in the morning, and one as we climb into bed every night. We check in with our sweet nurses to see how our daughter has done in the last few hours. These two phone calls keep us going through our days and let us sleep a little more peacefully each night.

This morning I found myself on my knees in our bathroom cleaning our toilet. Figured I might as well make myself useful while I have six weeks off from work. I had called to get the morning update from our cute nurse. Nothing big to report, just the usual breath holding spells while Brooklyn's body is trying to figure out how to do things it shouldn't have to do this early in life. But I felt bad because the Cpap is rubbing her little nose raw - they had to put some foam there to avoid any further skin breakdown.

As I scrubbed the toilet, I started to cry. These little episodes tend to hit me when I least expect it. So there I am, in my underwear, gloved and scrubbing away, and I found myself on my knees in prayer right there on the bathroom floor. I was sobbing to my Father in Heaven. For what? I wasn't sure what I needed most - a hug or to know that our sweet baby wasn't in pain. Is this how he felt when he watched his son suffer on the cross for the sins of the world? Did the image of me on my bathroom floor cross through my Savior's mind as he suffered for my sins?

I think what hit me the most as I picked myself up off the floor and got into the shower was the concept of trust. Do our cute nurses up at Primary's realize the amount of trust parents have in them as they care for the most important thing in their lives? Do the doctors realize their decisions can make or break my day? Our "primary" nurses are the absolute best. We love them. Roger and I would make them sleep at the hospital if we could. I look at them everyday caring for our daughter and wonder if they have any idea the thoughts running through my head. I silently plead with them to be gentle with Brooklyn. To comfort her when I can't. To minimize her suffering. To keep her little body working. Because this sweet little face is all we've got, she is our world....

(They were cleaning her Cpap and let me snap a quick picture yesterday without anything on her face. Her little nose tends to stay "piggy" when she's on the Cpap.)

6 comments:

Jillian said...

Hi cute Ashlee... I am floating to the NICU today and just can't help but think of you. Actually, I can't seem to get you or your family out of my mind since I heard your little one came so early. Please know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers... xoxo- Jillian Olsen

P.S. She is beautiful.

Kati said...

I am so sorry that you have so much on your plate right now! Everytime I read your posts I end up crying. I am so glad you are sharing all of this with us! Things like this make me so thankful for the Lord and the knowledge that he is on our side. We will keep you and your sweet family in our prayers!

Gabe and Abby said...

Ashlee! Its Abby from Beta! I found your blog from Megan's. I've been keeping up with you every day since you've had your little one. She is absolutely beautiful. You make me cry every post. You have such an amazing outlook and your faith is so strong. She's one lucky girl to have such awesome parents! You are in my thoughts and prayers! Congrats on such a gorgeous little girl!

Nan said...

Ashlee this may be easier said than done but stay strong! The Savior does know your pain and will always, always be there to comfort you. I know you know this! She is so sweet!

Nanette

AshleeMattMaxJack said...

Ash- what a strong momma you already are! I am so proud of you and am praying everyday for your little woman to stay strong!

Gina said...

She is so beautiful. You are such a strong woman. I admire you so much. We continue to pray for your sweet family.