How Are You Doing?

Roger and I get asked this question a lot. Thank you for asking, we appreciate your concern for us. Our answer? We're good when Brooklyn is good...so most days we're good.

Today we're good.

But I use this blog to be as honest as I feel is appropriate for online information. So tonight will be an honest one. Tonight I am running the full spectrum of emotions.

I'm tired. As in I need sleep. I didn't realize how much so until I got into my car after work tonight and realized I was physically running on empty. I cried on the way home, I'm sure from sheer exhaustion.

I'm grateful. For my job... if you can believe that during our current circumstances. I thought it would be terrible working and knowing she was right above me. But I feel so comforted knowing she is so close in case there were an emergency. I'm also grateful for the distraction it gives me. I have no choice but to focus on my patients, I'm caring for someone else's son or daughter - I can empathize with them more than they realize. Work also allows me to pass the time quicker. How sad that I say that, but Brooklyn is in a rough stage. We're literally watching her grow. And it is the slowest most frustrating process to watch.

She's still holding her breath, maybe once or twice a day. Bother.

I'm frustrated. Maybe that's not the right word. But its that feeling you have when you plop your elbows on the table, put your chin in your hands, and give a big sigh. Do you get what I mean? I woke up at 4:30 this morning so I could visit with the baby before the NICU kicked me out at 6:30 for shift change. My shift started at 7:00. So I had a half an hour to think. I sat in the pumping room across from the NICU and felt so blah. I am so tired of the waiting.

I'm sad that that little peanut has never seen the sun. Or heard any other sound besides the NICU room she's spent 10 weeks in. I'm sad that she's constantly being bugged. And I'm amazed that she would still be in me for another week and a half had she stayed in and incubated longer. Her birth feels like it was forever ago. Wow.

I'm grateful for what life has given us. For the little miracles and gifts we have been blessed with these last few months. I'm still in awe that she belongs to us. The days have dragged by, but the weeks have flown by.

So tonight, I'm going to take a tub (yes I know its so blasted hot outside, but tubs destress me), watch some tv, have a good long catch up talk with Roger, and cuddle on the couch before bed. I've slacked on being a good spouse these last few weeks, so tonight I'm focusing on the other most important person in my life.