Thursday, June 24, 2010

How Are You Doing?

Roger and I get asked this question a lot. Thank you for asking, we appreciate your concern for us. Our answer? We're good when Brooklyn is good...so most days we're good.

Today we're good.

But I use this blog to be as honest as I feel is appropriate for online information. So tonight will be an honest one. Tonight I am running the full spectrum of emotions.

I'm tired. As in I need sleep. I didn't realize how much so until I got into my car after work tonight and realized I was physically running on empty. I cried on the way home, I'm sure from sheer exhaustion.

I'm grateful. For my job... if you can believe that during our current circumstances. I thought it would be terrible working and knowing she was right above me. But I feel so comforted knowing she is so close in case there were an emergency. I'm also grateful for the distraction it gives me. I have no choice but to focus on my patients, I'm caring for someone else's son or daughter - I can empathize with them more than they realize. Work also allows me to pass the time quicker. How sad that I say that, but Brooklyn is in a rough stage. We're literally watching her grow. And it is the slowest most frustrating process to watch.

She's still holding her breath, maybe once or twice a day. Bother.

I'm frustrated. Maybe that's not the right word. But its that feeling you have when you plop your elbows on the table, put your chin in your hands, and give a big sigh. Do you get what I mean? I woke up at 4:30 this morning so I could visit with the baby before the NICU kicked me out at 6:30 for shift change. My shift started at 7:00. So I had a half an hour to think. I sat in the pumping room across from the NICU and felt so blah. I am so tired of the waiting.

I'm sad that that little peanut has never seen the sun. Or heard any other sound besides the NICU room she's spent 10 weeks in. I'm sad that she's constantly being bugged. And I'm amazed that she would still be in me for another week and a half had she stayed in and incubated longer. Her birth feels like it was forever ago. Wow.

I'm grateful for what life has given us. For the little miracles and gifts we have been blessed with these last few months. I'm still in awe that she belongs to us. The days have dragged by, but the weeks have flown by.

So tonight, I'm going to take a tub (yes I know its so blasted hot outside, but tubs destress me), watch some tv, have a good long catch up talk with Roger, and cuddle on the couch before bed. I've slacked on being a good spouse these last few weeks, so tonight I'm focusing on the other most important person in my life.

3 comments:

Kati said...

Your posts are always the best! Thanks for sharing so much! Reading about everything makes me realize how much all of us are blessed:) I also think Andy would appreciate the comment on being a good spouse, it is so hard to do sometimes or lots of times! You guys are amazing!

Nicole said...

You are a trooper Ashlee!! 10 weeks is SO LONG! Wow. I know the feelings of being so frustrated...why don't they progress faster? It would be so much nicer for everyone if they could just come home!!! You are allowed to cry and feel bad and sad.

I just can't believe you are still pumping. You deserve mom of the year!!! Wow! You are so strong. Thanks for your example!

Meg said...

Maybe one day you'll look back and think it didn't seem as long as when you were right in the thick of it! Hang in there...the end is nigh! You have every right to feel every emotion you are feeling, just remember that, K? Love ya! Still thinking of you often.