Considering I just posted that I was doing an attitude adjustment, this is going to totally put me in the wrong direction. I recognize there are women in this world- many who are my family, friends and neighbors-that can't have kids or who have struggled with miscarriages or worse. My heart aches for each one of them. But I'm upset today. So can I sound like a totally selfish brat for a minute and vent?
The baby next to ours was taken off the ventilator yesterday and her mom got to hold her. The rest of the babies in our room just have to make a little peep and they get held instantly. But not my daughter. We're weeks away from being able to hold her. We barely get to touch her for fear of making her hold her breath. I'm sick and tired of this. I want to feel like a real mom. I'm tired of getting up in the middle of the night to say hello to my pump. I'm tired of avoiding the dumb pothole on Foothill's onramp to the freeway as I make the daily (sometimes two times a day) trip up to Primary's. I'm tired of the hour and a half roundtrip distance just to sit and watch my daughter sleep. I'm tired of crying every night we have to leave her in the care of someone else - it's supposed to be our job! I'm just tired.
Okay, I'm feeling better.
So now I get to feel guilty for a minute because I'm being selfish and ungrateful. We are still amazed by the kindness people have showed us. For example, my cute visiting teachers haven't given up on getting ahold of me and finally were able to visit me this morning. Thanks Carrie and Mary. You're the best. A new friend in my ward came over, introduced herself, and proceeded to stock our freezer with meals. I was stunned. And so grateful. We have a line of people visit Brooklyn everyday - thank you to each of you. Thank you to those that have silently cheered her on, or prayed for her (and us), for putting our names on the prayer role at the temple, for calling or texting (so sorry if I forgot to respond, I'm losing it these days), for commenting on our blog, for just being there. The list goes on and on.
So here is another huge thank you to all of you that are "family" in any definition of the word. We appreciate you.
As for the baby, no big changes yet. Just trying to get her to gain weight - we finally surpassed her birthweight last night! Finally!
Wide awake - for forty five minutes! That's a first and it hasn't happened since.
10 comments:
Your not selfish at all, I can't imagine how hard this all must be. You are doing a great job, you just seem so dedicated. Keep it up, she'll be home in your arms in no time and it will all seem like a blur. We were all talking about a shower for you at playgroup the other day- wondering if you'd want to do it before or after your baby comes home. I'm sure someone has already talked to you about it. But be sure to keep me posted!!
I second Emily...not one selfish comment at all. Everyone suffers and has trials, for some it is struggle getting pregnant, for others it is having a baby WAY too early. This just happens to be yours and you get to feel however YOU want to feel without feeling guilty for anyone else. Remember, we all agreed to what we would go through in this life. Just keep that in the back of your mind and remind yourself that you can make it through this and you, Roger, and Brooklyn will be the perfect family soon. She is adorable.
oh ashlee. you are just a doll. i can't imagine what you are going through right now, but you are such a great example of courage & strength. you are not being selfish one bit! don't you feel quilty. just hang in there and think, "every day is a step in the right direction!" before you know we will be having playdates & letting the kids eat chicken nuggets and fries!
hang in there! we continue to pray and think of all three of you! you are wonderful!
xoxo
Oh I am sorry for all the many things that you are going through! You are amazing! It has got to be so hard to not be able to do all the things that seem so simple. Before long that beautiful little girl will be home and keeping you up at night:) And you will be able to enjoy it so much more because you guys relize what it is like not to be able to do all the many things you do with a new babe. It will come! Hang in there!
I think today is an emotional day for me because watching this little video just had me teary-eyed. She is darling! With her so alert, I can only imagine how hard it would be to not hold her. You are SUCH a good mom to be there each day. You know all too well the parents that aren't there and how heartbreaking that is for us nurses to see those little kids/babies without a mommy there. Happy Mother's Day to you!!
Ash, I keep thinking about you guys and keep looking for your latest update. You aren't being selfish at all--no one would ever even think that because if we were in the same position I'm sure we would feel the exact same way (and probably not be as gracious as you are!). We all have our trials but you definitely are being dealt a hard one. Hope you know I'm thinking about you! I have a class thing on Tuesday 10-1230. Will you be around and want to go to lunch? My treat :)
Kellee
Ashlee, you are the least selfish person I have ever met, don't ever think that. I can't imagine how difficult everything is for you right now. I just have to say that Brooklyn is such a doll... I just love that video. I check your blog often; I think it's awesome that you post frequently and document all of your ups and downs. Your little family has been in our prayers. Also, I have a suggestion about pumping since I exclusively pump (Grace only breastfed for about 2 weeks). I used to get up in the middle of the night to pump, but after about 1 1/2 months I slept for a good 8 hrs without pumping... it gets a little uncomfortable, but I don't think it's necessary to wake yourself up in the middle of the night. I just make sure to pump at least 5 times during the day, and now I even go 9 or 10 hrs without pumping and my milk supply hasn't decreased (call me if you have questions about pumping... I've been doing it for 4 1/2 months now, crazy, I know).
I don't hear any selfish comments, I sense a mother who loves her child and wants desperately to be with her. All righteous desires.
Every pic I see of Brooklyn, she looks stronger and stronger. She is an amazing spirit
She is a so sweet! I can't wait to meet her and see you! You are an amazing mommy!
Ashlee,
It is NOT one bit selfish to want to hold and cuddle your baby! It's completely human to have moments to think "it's not fair". Hang in there and Happy first Mommy's Day! :-} Deirdre
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