A Chocolate Dunford Donut and A Diet Pepsi

Yes, these are my comfort foods. I may have gotten these two things almost every single day Brooklyn was in the NICU. I had to rotate between four different gas stations so I wouldn't be a 'regular' at just one place. And to save myself the embarrassment.

Today I got these two items again. Brooklyn had an ultrasound of her kidneys. Why? To look for kidney stones. She had high levels of calcium in her urine in the NICU, so this was a follow up visit. Ultrasound looked good, FYI.

But unknown to me, she was also scheduled for a VCUG. (CSU people know what this is.) They stuck a catheter up into her bladder to test for kidney reflux. I cringed when I found out we had to do this today. It is a painful test for any girl - you can only imagine how it feels watching them do it to your 8lb. baby. She's just so little!

My heart silently broke yet again as I watched big alligator tears come out of Brooklyn's eyes. Truly, there is no greater pain than watching those you love suffer. When it was all done and over I held her in the waiting room and whimpered right along with her. She fell asleep in my arms, totally exhausted from the ordeal.

I realized today that this area of life never gets better or easier. You can never stop caring for a child. Or spouse. Or anyone important to you. I recognized that my parents have loved me this same way for 26 years, and will continue to do so for the rest of my life. I'm grateful for that kind of love, it gets you through the tough times. I'm beginning to realize that this is how my Heavenly Father feels about me as well. As he feels for each and every single one of us.

Notice the bib...Yes, "thank heaven for little girls"!

In four weeks I go back to work. I'll walk through the doors at Primary Children's Hospital to serve a dual role...nurse and parent. I hope I can care for my patients and their families as well as we were cared for during our stay in this place of miracles. A broken heart leads to service with greater compassion and understanding. I'm sure I never would have chosen this trial if I had been given the choice. But I hope Roger and I can look back on this someday and recognize the lessons learned and the (hopefully) changes for the better we see in ourselves.